Another day of selling all my time, Of showing up for someone else’s problems. Another day where I can’t speak my mind, Of wondering if this is hitting bottom? The minutes and the seconds creeping by, Shackled here by bills and mouths to feed. And even though my day has gone awry A five o’clock solution’s all I need. That timeclock revolution comes and suddenly I’m free… Let’s fake some memories. Let’s go somewhere that no one’s seen, Where we’ll still have never been when we get home. Let’s fake some memories, Step into a different scene, Somewhere we could never get to all alone. So close your eyes and don’t think twice Just grab your books and grab your dice, Let’s fake some memories. Sitting here surrounded by my friends, Feeling part of something more than real. Stepping into someone else’s skin In tales of magic spells and flashing steel Where legends come to life and where new worlds will be revealed… Let’s fake some memories. Let’s go somewhere that no one’s seen, Where we’ll still have never been when we get home. Let’s fake some memories, Step into a different scene, Somewhere we could never get to all alone. So close your eyes and don’t think twice Just grab your books and grab your dice, Let’s fake some memories. Defying explanation, more than hype or exclamation, It’s inspired collaboration through a game we love to play. So much more than fighting dragons, all these worlds that we imagine All these things that never happened feel as real as yesterday… Let’s fake some memories. Let’s fake some memories, Let’s go somewhere that no one’s seen Where we’ll still have never been when we get home Let’s fake some memories, Step into a different scene Somewhere we could never get to all alone. So close your eyes and don’t think twice Just grab your books, let’s roll some dice, Let’s fake some memories.

It’s the perfect gaming party, wizard, fighter, cleric, rogue, And a DM who’s prepared a mystic land that you will rove And have adventures, save the day and maybe find a treasure trove Anything could happen, but there’s something you should know Before you go… You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw But your game will go much better once you know… What you can’t save. You might delve into a dungeon, where nobody checks for traps Or randomly start licking every magic artifact Or pickpocket a beholder, find a dragon, make a pass, Or maybe tell the king who’s offering this quest to kiss your ass Don’t do that… You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw But your game will go much better once you know… What you can’t save. You can save vs illusion, dragon’s breath, or poison gas You can try to make a dex save just to not fall on your ass You can save against a magic spell, athletics or death, too, But there’s not a single fucking roll to save yourself from you. You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw But your game will go much better once you know… What you can’t save.

When you were four you wrote new combat rules for Candy land Huge lists of weapon, armors and Crit tables on which we would roll Each of the board games in our home all had house rules by thirteen Tax shelters in Monopoly Draw 20 wild cards in Uno And you some how wonder why…? Cause there’s always one more step that you can take One more rule that you can break One more level you can go And there’s always one more way to win the game One more way to shift the blame One more fit that you can throw Always one more thing to add on to… Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you. When you can frame someone in Clue When playing Risk you launch a nuke When playing Battleship your sonar lets you see the other board When you play Mousetrap, extra mice, When you play Yahtzee, bonus dice, When you play Chess, your king can make a pawn into a feudal lord And you somehow wonder why…? Cause there’s always one more step that you can take One more rule that you can break One more level you can go And there’s always one more way to win the game One more way to shift the blame One more fit that you can throw Always one more thing to add on to… Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you. In Chutes and Ladders, some chutes hold a spike trap underneath Your Game of Life has STDs Your Twister mat is always greased All of the house rules make the games take way too long to play They’re all driving me insane Why can’t we just play the base game? Cause there’s always one more step that you can take One more rule that you can break One more level you can go And there’s always one more way to win the game One more way to shift the blame One more fit that you can throw Always one more thing to add on to… Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you.

I'm waking up in Skyrim tonight... My real life sucks but here in game, everything's all right. I'm a thane in every city, and the Jarls and me, we're tight. So I'm waking up in Skyrim tonight. Today, my wife, she moved out on me, I was climbing High Hrothgar, missed our anniversary. It's a shame when you consider how in love we used to be, Before our marriage took an arrow to the knee. But in Skyrim all the quest lines wait until I follow through And all the dragons, Jarls, and NPCs, await my click, it's true I’ve got three Hearthfire houses, half a dozen housecarls, too Carrying my burdens, all the treasure I accrue... So... I'm waking up in Skyrim tonight... My real life sucks but here in game, everything's all right. I'm a thane in every city, and the Jarls and me, we're tight. So I'm waking up in Skyrim tonight

I sit down at the table, and we proceed to game Roleplaying magic fables, in search of wealth and fame. I feel a sudden dread as I pull out my dice… I know that something’s not right… I’m missing saving throws, these dice are trying to kill me I fumble every roll, these dice are trying to kill me Even a mediocre roll tonight would thrill me But I swear right now, these dice are trying to kill me! I break out in a flop sweat just before every roll… I swear I heard them laughing when I attacked that troll. Maybe they’re plotting in their dice bag every night… But I know something’s just ain’t right… I’m missing saving throws, these dice are trying to kill me I fumble every roll, these dice are trying to kill me Even a fair to middling roll tonight would thrill me But I swear right now, these dice are trying to kill me! I’m missing every roll, these dice are trying to kill me I fumble saving throws, these dice are trying to kill me Even a mediocre roll tonight would thrill me But I swear right now, these dice are trying Swear right now, I feel like crying, Swear right now, these dice are trying to kill me!

We got an elven ranger with an attitude And a beast companion that he’s bonded to He could’ve picked a goat, or a lizard or bat, He could’ve picked a badger, baboon, or cat, He didn’t pick a flying snake or even a blood hawk… No he didn’t pick none of those—He went a bonded with a frog It’s an inter-species friendship that’s tried and true It won’t run from danger and believe me, you, It’s an amphibian of a giant type With an endless hunger ‘neath it’s soulless eyes When faced with a fight, his croak’s worse than his bite, but don’t scoff And don’t piss him off Or else he’ll feed you to the frog   Just one command, and then you’ll see One flash of the tongue and bon appetit You’ll spend the rest of your life in a frog belly It’s whole new realms of misery… So just don’t piss him off, or else he’ll feed you to the frog. Our ranger’s armed with a magic bow He’s got a sword and a dagger and a ten foot pole He’s trained in tracking and in archery, But better hope you’re not his favored enemy, Cause he’ll split the party just track you down in the fog, And if you really go and piss him off, He’s gonna feed you to the frog… Just one command, and then you’ll see One flash of the tongue and bon appetit You’ll spend the rest of your life in a frog belly It’s whole new realms of misery Just ask our halfling rogue if you don’t believe He’s now an amputee… Because we fed him to the frog…

A dungeon crawl of dire proportions, fighting through the maps Of the temple of the trickster goddess, riddles puzzles, traps A locked door inset with a chalice filled with blood in side, A hand outstretched, grabs it, drinks it, the door goes open wide… Who brought the warlock? That creepy, skeezy guy? Who brought the warlock? That gives me chills inside
Who brought the warlock? His black and evil eyes Who brought the warlock? The one that never dies? A battle rages, orcs and goblins, gnolls teem all around  The wizard fallen, the halfling bard is soon knocked tumbling down, The cleric and the paladin prepare for one last stand, Side by side with gruesome zombies, he’s summoning undead, Who brought the warlock? That creepy, skeezy guy? Who brought the warlock? That gives me chills inside
Who brought the warlock? His black and evil eyes Who brought the warlock? The one that never dies? Another demon that he summoned angrily flies past Another trap he activated, another eldritch blast!

Who brought the warlock? That creepy, skeezy guy? Who brought the warlock? That gives me chills inside
Who brought the warlock? His black and evil eyes Who brought the warlock? The one that never dies?

There’s a world that’s needing saved, Dangers needing braved, By a hero that is equal to the task There’s a story line revolving Round a hero whose evolving & a villain we’re all waiting to unmask But this world is so intriguing, And the plot gets so fatiguing And there’s so much in this world to see and do… So forgive me while I wander, And explore the wild blue yonder, And I’ll push your plot objectives to the far end of the queue Because of side quests, world defining side quests, XP mining Side quests entertain me and help level up my gear Side quests, here and there are side quests, everywhere the Side quests they distract me and the plot line disappears… There’s a dragon needing slaying, but this farmer’s hen’s aren’t laying And their neighbor seems to be behind the curse And if I can just remove it, and if somehow I can prove it Was their neighbor then the farmer will add coinage to my purse Coins I can the use down at the blacksmith who refuses then To sell a single sword until he has enough in stock… But I can take this pick and in that cave that’s filled with brigands Clear them out and use the pick to mine the ore out from the rocks Because of side quests, world defining side quests, XP mining Side quests entertain me and help level up my gear Side quests, here and there are side quests, everywhere the Side quests they distract me and the plot line disappears… And in the real world the side quests still appear On my way to get the groceries a friend stops by for a beer, But I only have one beer and so we get into my car And resolve the situation by us driving to the bar… And we have a round or two until we’re joined by one more friend, Then another, and another, til our party hits an end when I get a text from my wife wondering well the hell I’m at…? But my friends forgot their wallets so I spent the grocery cash On all these side quests, wife annoying side quests, I’m enjoying Side quests in the real world, just like I do in my games Side quests, wallet bending side quests, marriage ending Side quests they distract me and the plot goes down in flames. Side quests they distract me and my life goes down in flames.

The house is awful quiet, now that you’re gone Since you took the dog and moved out on your own And sure, it hurts, but honestly I understand And I got minis that need primed, and nothing but time on my hands I got beer in the fridge, I got some food on the shelf The TV is off and I’m here by myself All alone, I’m hoping we still can be friends. And I got minis to prime, and nothing but time on my hands I got minis and terrain I’ve been meaning to be painting so long & my heart might be breakin but I’m thinkin that as long as you’re gone I’ll get some painting done. Gotta keep my hands busy til I’m back on my feet Got some friends coming over four or five nights a week Got regular games, and money for figures and stands And I got minis to prime, and nothing but time on my hands I got minis and terrain I’ve been meaning to be painting so long & my heart might be breakin but I’m thinkin that as long as you’re gone I’ll get some painting done. And I got minis to prime, and nothing but time on my hands

I got the levels & the stats, I got the hirelings & the maps got the weapons & the armor too. I got a ten foot pole in my portable hole And new spellwrought tattoo I should be having the time of my life, but I can’t seem to roll a crit all night. I got the plot hooks & the potions charming all the NPCs got a lantern that’s everbright I got the blessings & the scrolls, plus four dagger vs trolls And the flavor text just right… I should be having the time of my life, but I can’t seem to roll a crit all night. I got a table full of friends, & our party never ends, Got the Cheetos & the Mountain Dew We got our figures painted tight, gaming til the morning light Got a belly full of pizza too I should be having the time of my life, but I can’t seem to roll a crit all night.

Got no Feeble excuse for the things I used to do When I was just a Poor, Typical Youth All the Good times we shared, we’d play anywhere These Excellent games somehow seem just the same It’s Remarkable how long they remain Incredible to me, it’s Amazing to see My Fighting, Agility, the Strength I have that carries me Endurance and the Health to be the hero I could be, Reason so I can heed the Intuition guiding me, To Karma that seems to be ingrained in my Psyche Just FASERIP… And I’ve been Monstrous at times, sang some Unearthly rhymes And to play, we must’ve cut Class 1000 times (But where did shift X go?) My Fighting, Agility, the Strength I have that carries me The Endurance and the Health to be the hero I sh ould be, Reason so I can heed the Intuition guiding me, To Karma that seems to be ingrained in my Psyche Just FASERIP…

It’s hard to let you go in the romantic glow of the mushroom cloud on the horizon, but there’s things I must do & that means leaving you cause I work best without a companion While I’m alone and damp in that cold raider camp It’s them I’ll be killing, but I’ll be thinking of you Cause there’s caps to be had and there’s junk to be mined Weapons and armor that I need to find And when I reach the end of this quest line, Done everything I need to do… I’m coming back home to you. There’s ghouls in Chinese submarines, a kid stuck in a fridge, an amusement park entirely run by gangs There’s Illuminati synths at the Institute, and the treasures of Jamaica Plain & maybe I can fly out on Old Ironsides If I can fix these engines with this old robot crew Cause there’s caps to be had and there’s junk to be mined Weapons and armor that I need to find And when I reach the end of this quest line, Done everything I need to do… I’m coming back home to you. And I’d take you with me if you learned not to talk, and not rush into every single fight but since I need to sneak like I have half a brain, I’ll just seek your lover’s embrace each night Cause there’s caps to be had and there’s junk to be mined Weapons and armor that I need to find And when I reach the end of this quest line, Done everything I need to do… I’m coming back home to you. Cause there’s caps to be had and there’s junk to be mined Weapons and armor that I need to find And when I reach the end of this quest line, Done everything I need to do… I’m coming back home to you. I’m coming back home to you. Coming back home to you. I’m coming back home to you.

That's great, it starts with AARAKOCRA But OSQUIP and PENANGGALANs ASSASSIN BUG AND BERBALANG EYE OF FEAR AND FLAME, KUO TOA, JERMLAINE Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn FLAIL SNAIL FIRE DRAKE World serves its own needs FIRE TOAD, FIRE SNAKE Don't mis-serve your own needs SHADOW DEMON -SHEET GHOUL GRELL, LIZARD KING Speed it up a notch, speed, grunt, no, strength AND ORIENTAL DRAGON The ladder starts to clatter WITHERSTENCH GIANT GAR BUG With a fear of height, down, height DIRE CORBY FIRE NEWT DEVIL CRYPT THING Wire in a fire, re present the seven games ACHAlERAl FORLARREN, FROST MAN FLUMPH FLIND And a gov ernment for hire and a com bat site NECRO PHID IUS PHANTOM STALKER Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry AND A NORKER BULLY WUG CLUBNEK With the Furies breathing down your neck TIR A PHEG HOUND OF ILLO MEN KAMA DAN Team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped LAVA CHILDREN TIGER FLY THEN Look at that low plane, fine, then YELLOW MUSK YELLOW MUSK CREEPER ZOMBl E DOOMBAT Uh oh, overflow, population, common group HELL CAT CATERWAUL COFFER CORPSE But it'll do, save yourself, serve yourself VORTEX WITHERWEED VODYANOI WHIPWEED World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed ELE MENTAL PRINCES OF EVIL DEATH KNIGHT (RIGHT) Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right GITHYANKI GlTHZERAl GORILLA BEAR JACULI You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light KELPIE SON OF KYUSS Feeling pretty psyched It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine AL-MI’RAJ, GIANT STRIDER PER NI CON DUNE STALKER Six o'clock, T.V. hour, don't get caught in foreign tower TENT A MORT THOQUA TRILLOCH IRON COBRA Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn ETTERCAP DENZELIAN BOOKA MEPHIT BONESNAPPER Lock him in uniform, book burning, blood letting EYE KILLER BLOOD HAWK ENVELOPER DEVIL DOG Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate MEZZODAEMON, NYCADAEMON DAKON DEATH DOG Light a candle, light a motive, step down, step down UM PLE BY SUSSURUS XILL, VOLT Watch your heel crush, crush, uh oh TROLL TWEEN HOOK HORROR - HOAR FOX- ICE LIZARD MEENLOCK This means no fear, cavalier, renegade steering clear SVIRFNEBLIN, A TERITHRAN, A GIBBERLING, A MITE A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies A GUARDIAN FAMILIAR AND A CARYATID COLUMNS AND POLTERGEIST Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I de cline It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (It’s time I rolled initiative) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (It’s time I rolled initiative) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (It’s time I rolled initiative) I feel fine (I feel fine) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (It’s time I rolled initiative) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (It’s time I rolled initiative) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (It’s time I rolled initiative) I feel fine (I feel fine) APPARITION, HORNET GIANT, CARBUNCLE BLOOHAWK, GIANT The other night I drifted nice continental drift divide NEEDLEMAN, BAT GIANT, BUNYIP, BLINDHEIM Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein NILBOG, NONAFEL, DARK STAL KER SNYAD Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs BABBLER THROAT LEECH STUN JELLY KENKU Birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, boom DRAGONFISH, DISENCHANTER SLAAD, XILL, SKULK, XVART? XVART. You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, Dright, right It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (AND THERES A PROTEIN POLYMORPH) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (QUAGGOTH QUIPPER, QULLAN) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (RETRIEVER - REVENANT - ROTHE) I feel fine (I feel fine) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (It’s time I rolled initiative) I feel fine (I feel fine) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (SCARECROW -SCREAMING DEVILKIN) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (TABAXI-MEAZEL - AND CRABMAN) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (SHOCKER - SKELETON WARRIOR - THORK) I feel fine (OGRILLON) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (LAMIA NOBLE, ALGOID) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (GRIMLOCK, IMORPH, KILLMOULIS ) It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (SYMBIOTIC JELLY) I feel fine (ELF) I FEEL FINE