Dangerous Gifts

by Mikey Mason

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This album is for Tom (who bet my friends wouldn't get it, but didn't count on my friends being smarter than me,) and for David and Jennifer, and Ben and Emily. And Jonah.

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released October 31, 2013

All songs written by and © 2013 Mikey Mason except for King Of Nebraska, which is © 2010 Jonah Knight

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Mikey Mason Indianapolis, Indiana

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Track Name: The Button
In my mind there is a button, kept under a glass jar
Marked emergency use only on the dashboard of my car.
And I try hard not to push it, even when I feel the need,
But sometimes the circumstances in my mind and my life intercede...

The sign says speed limit 60, but that's a bald faced lie,
Cause I first saw it an hour ago and it's still in my sight.
I'm a prisoner of this highway, which is now a parking lot.
And I can see my exit, but this road construction has us stopped.

And there's a guy driving up the berm, people screaming as they're passed,
And my hand heads for the dashboard as I go Walter Mitty on his ass...

And then Boom! Pow! The rockets launch and target on his car.
And the people cheer around me like I was a movie star.
And my car transforms, lifts off the ground, and I fly on ahead.
On the road he's at the exit, but in my mind he's already dead.

Now it's lunch time at the drive through, and the line is twenty deep,
And this skank in line before me don't know what she wants to eat
And after all her friggin' questions, she doesn't pull ahead,
Cause she's ordering for her office, and wants to pay for each meal separate...

And then boom, crash! The rockets flash and her car is no more!
And I grab the sack of food they dangle out the drive through door,
And soar high over the city, feeling happy and well fed.
She's still ordering in real life, but in my mind she's already dead.

But then my car starts losing altitude, the lights begin to flash
And I'm headed for a mountain, and I've just run out of gas.
So I climb out on the falling car, and open up the back,
And strap on a horned helmet and emergency jetpack!

And then boom, crack! The rockets blast and I zoom even higher
And watch as my poor trusty car becomes a ball of fire...
But in spite of my elation I still feel a sense of dread.
In my mind I may be flying, but on the interstate my car's already dead.
Track Name: Mad
Hello Daily Journal, connect me to Tom Evander
He wrote the piece today on Dr. Romulus.
I was anxious and offended, and because I am said Doctor,
Find the claim that I am evil more than slightly libelous.

I don't really want to rule world, but it's done such a horrid job
Of ruling itself, maybe it's my time.
On the other hand I ache for the eternal void of chaos
Its a bifurcated world view, but it's mine.

In the meantime, it's best if you desist.
I can't let you call me evil, I simply must insist...

I'm not evil, I'm insane and slightly angry,
A more accurate descriptor would be mad.
So kindly check your rhetoric, your demagogic verbiage.
To draw my full attentions would be bad.
Because I'm mad!

Wake up, Tom, I know it's late and it is likely quite unsettling
For me to turn up armed and at your home.
Please ignore the robots, they're just for my protection,
They react to sudden movements, so it's best if you stay prone.

I think we both want what is best, ending hunger and unrest,
But we share differing ideologies.
Though our methods demarcate us, all that really separates us is
A hundred IQ points and maybe sociopathy.

I'm not evil, I'm insane and pretty angry,
A more accurate descriptor would be mad.
So kindly check your rhetoric, your demagogic verbiage.
To draw my full attentions would be bad.
Because I'm mad!

Perhaps you think I'm evil for the things that I have done, but I just don't have the time or will to justify each one.
I'm a man of many masters, and I live a paradox: Bending the world to my new order, just as I incite chaos.

Now, Tom, I'm very angered, in your article today,
You called me evil in at least a dozen different ways.
In the first sentence alone you used the words loathsome and base,
Malignant and malicious, heinous, vile and depraved.

Well your thesaurus surely warranted it's cover price today,
and that brings us to our business here tonight.
Because of your transgressions, you'll be torn apart by robots,
But if it's any consolation, it turns out that you were right!

I may be evil, but I'm still insanely angry,
And that only reinforces that I'm mad!
And you had to shoot your mouth off, be the real voice of the people,
And you drew my full attention and that's bad...

Because I'm mad...

Evil and mad...
Track Name: Grandma's Got A Girlfriend
My grandpa's in the ground, my grandma put him down...
She caught him messin' around with younger women, you know.
She didn't even think twice, just got him in her sights.
The funeral was nice. Too bad he had to go

Messin' round with those younger girls.
But Grandma doesn't care; she's on top of the world...
Grandma's got a girlfriend now.
Grandma's got a girlfriend. My grandma's got a girlfriend.

My grandma's done with men, she won't look back again.
She made a brand new friend; they get along just fine.
Met at a rally in May, moved in the very next day.
They watch the LPGA, they both like women and wine.

Heard Katy Perry singing "I Kissed A Girl,"
Grandma thought about it, said she'd give it a whirl.
Grandma's got a girlfriend now.
Grandma's got a girlfriend. My grandma's got a girlfriend.

Gram says girls are where it's at,
and now she's votin' Democrat.
She dropped out of the NRA,
Now she DJ's at a rave.
Grandma's got a girlfriend. My grandma's got a girlfriend.

She's wearing tube socks with Birkenstocks,
Got a brand new rainbow tattoo,
And matching motor wheelchairs
For her and her Boo,
She had a handicap ramp put on her closet just so she could come out!

Grandma's got a girlfriend, now...
Track Name: (Not Quite) The Chosen One
Him and me... We're gonna save the day together, we will stand side by side forever, okay I'm slightly behind him and out of the line of fire...
I know he... Is the face known everywhere, he gets the girls and the fanfare, but when it comes down to the wire...

He knows that he can't do it without me... He doesn't have to say it and he probably never will...

But I... keep his boots shined and cape well-pressed, make sure he eats and gets his rest, so he can shine like the sun...
And I... Keep his sword sharp and his horse well fed, I make his meals and make his bed, for I am the chosen one---'s assistant.

And when you... pray to the gods your lives to save, from a dire and magic plague, who do you think you're praying to...?
Okay it's technically him... But who washed his chosen underwear? Who do you think gave him directions there, to save you?

Cause I carry the maps and navigation equipment... He's got a sword arm, but he can't even read...

But I... I hold the torch in dungeons deep, I tell him where he should storm the keep, so that the day gets won.
And I... I find the priest when there's undead, to bless his sword arm and helmet head, I am the chose one...'s assistant.

I pitch the tents, I set up camp, I rub the knots from his toes when they cramp,
I stitch his wounds, I make repairs, Mix winkle cream and pluck his thick nose hairs...
I pay off husbands when he sleeps with their wives, deflowered maidens when he ruins their lives.
And who do you think cleans the dragon shit off the treasure...?

It ain't him. No, he's out dancing at the balls... Taking the bows and curtain calls, while I'm in the stable.
With a book. And a lantern a stack of scrolls, to learn how to beat three headed trolls, so I'll be able.

To tell him how to do it using small words and pictures...
And when he does it, do you think he'll share the princess?

But I... I swore an oath just to pay my rent, a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't tell anyone...
That he... Sleeps with a night light and sucks his thumb, is bald as a rock and twice as dumb for I am the Chosen One's.... Assistant.
Track Name: Mama's Goin' Dancing
Mama's in the cellar and Daddy's turning yeller, 'cause Mama's started yelling again...
Daddy looks a mess, Mama's screaming for her dress, cause she wants to go dancing with him...
Daddy starts drinkin', and we're all thinking that he must have a helluvan ear...
He's the only one who hears her, he loves her and he fears her, cause Mama's been dead ten years!

And it's outta the house and into the truck, belt her in and do some shots for luck,
Swerve on down to the local dance club, What that man won't do for love!
They step to the middle of a big dance floor, everybody makes room for a man with a corpse,
He's got a look in his eyes, he's a-willing to fight, cause Mama's going dancing tonight!

You see, Mama was a dancer and my Daddy romanced her when she worked at the topless bar...
And he wasn't even jealous of all of them fellas who wanted in her cookie jar.
Lord how he cried, the day that she died, cause he'd never see her dance no more...
But on their anniversary, who did we see, but Mama's zombie at our front door!

And it was outta the house and into the truck, belt her in and do some shots for luck,
Swerve on down to the local dance club, What that man won't do for love!
They step to the middle of a big dance floor, everybody makes room for a man with a corpse,
He's got a look in his eyes, he's a-willing to fight, cause Mama's going dancing tonight!

So if you ever find your self down in southern Indiana on the evening of the fifth of June,
And you find yourself thinking that you oughtta be drinking in a club called the Paper Moon,
Don't let Daddy see your eyes fill with fear and surprise when him and Mama walk through that door...
There ain't no need to push your luck, just tip your hat and tuck a buck, then stand back and give Mama the floor...

Cause it's out of her blouse and aways she goes, you ain't never seen a dead woman working the pole,
Daddy rents the front row of the whole damn club. What that man won't do for love!
He's making it rain for a zombie lap dance, with a tear on his cheek and a bulge in his pants.
He's got a look in his eyes, everything's all right, cause Mama's going dancing tonight!
He's got a look in his eyes, everything's all right, cause Mama's going dancing tonight!
Track Name: (Love at) Warp Factor 9
Warp Factor 9

Stardate long ago... The night we met and played beer pong was the first line of our love song and...
Stardate yesterday... I dropped to one knee and proposed and cried when you said make it so and...

It's a singularity this feeling between you and me
I'm caught inside your tractor beam, I wouldn't want it any other way...

Beam me into your heart... Our hearts are one, our minds are joined, you read me like a Betazoid
Beam me into your heart... My phasers charged, my shields online, and this is love at warp factor 9...

It's not always harmony... I like Vulcans you like Klingons, Here's something we both agree on...
We were meant to be... One heart, two perspectives, we've got our own prime directive

We're on a mission, here... Cause when you smiled and pulled me near
You launched me to a new frontier, I wouldn't want it any other way...

Beam me into your heart... Our thoughts are one, our minds are joined, you read me like a Betazoid
Beam me into your heart... My phasers charged, my shields online, and this is love at warp factor 9...

My heart to your heart... My life to your life ties...
Set a course to forever, Just close your eyes and energize

Beam me into your heart... Our thoughts are one, our minds are joined, you read me like a Betazoid
Beam me into your heart... My phasers charged, my shields online, and this is love at warp factor 9...

Engage!
Track Name: Babysitter's Lullaby
If you’re bad, your mom and dad will break up
If you were good, you know they would still love you.
Your daddy drinks because you cry
and if you don’t quit asking why
Then Santa Claus won’t visit, anymore.

If you tell a lie your puppy’s head will fall off.
If you told the truth, your grandma’d still be living.
The kids at school all hate your clothes.
I’ll tell them all you pick your nose
If you don’t clean your bedroom every night.

Now why can’t you be more like your brother?
He’s good at sports and oh, so popular…
And why can’t you more like your sister?
Nobody at school makes fun of her...

If you touch yourself, you’ll go blind and get cancer.
If you kiss a girl, you know you'll make her pregnant.
Your mom says you’re an accident.
If you don’t eat your veggies, then I’ll
Ground you to the closet one more day…
Your goldfish will mysteriously pass away…
And I’ll tell all of your school friends you are gay.
Track Name: C is for Corpse Camp
Me had a bad day out there workin' for da man,
Pimping cookies and veggies was not what me had planned.
Me tell you nothing can get on me nerves
Like a seven foot androgynous bird.
When me has hard day at work me down some martinis,
Then me log on favorite server and pwn noobs to find release...

C is for Corpse Camp, what Cookie likes to do.
C is for for Cata, and for Curse of Doom,
C puts Cheev in de achievement
And a crit on every noob
C is for Corpse Camp, What Cookie like to do.

C is for copper, dat all da noobies mine,
C is for C-ya, I kill dem as dey whine,
C is for the Combo Points that cause your funeral march.
C is corpse retrieval that me make so very hard.

C is for Corpse Camp, what Cookie likes to do.
C is for for Cata, and for Curse of Doom,
C puts da Cheev in de achievement
And a crit on every noob
C is for Corpse Camp, what Cookie likes to do.
And when me play an Undead toon, me chomp their bodies too.