Driven

by Mikey Mason

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about

This, my eighth full-length album, is for Zan. He would have hated every hour of the recording of it, and every minute I spent playing the songs around him, and especially every second my finger wasn't in his ear. But he was my favorite.

The recording software itself was provided by Dick Pepper, a wonderful guy and true aficionado of beer. And thanks to my Patreon supporters (especially Robin Abess, Jeremy Jackson, and James Doster) for helping make sure the music gets made.

credits

released March 30, 2018

Mikey Mason - Most of the things
Sean Faust - Keyboards on Hufflepuff, Great Pumpkin, Sailor Bacon, and Twisted Faerie Tale
Trent Wilson - Lead and Rhythm Guitars on Hufflepuff, Great Pumpkin, and Twisted Faerie Tale
Sean Smith - Lead guitars on Sailor Bacon and Opposite of Cool
Michael Kazalski - Bass Guitars on Twisted Faerie Tale

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Mikey Mason Indianapolis, Indiana

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Track Name: A Hufflepuff Knocked My House Elf Up
I have a cottage in a wizarding village
And lately my life’s pretty rough
Because the family next door moved out
And my new neighbor’s a Hufflepuff.

Now Hufflepuffs are damn fine wizards,
Tri-Wizard Tournament Runners-up.
And you may never find a friend more loyal,
Or more deserving of Helga’s cup, but

This Hufflepuff knocked my house elf up…
A Hufflepuff knocked my house elf up.
And now she just makes sandwiches and won’t do other stuff…
A Hufflepuff knocked my house elf up.

I used to host some lovely parties,
One was attended by Dumbledore.
But ever since my house elf’s pregnant
She doesn’t help with them anymore.

To make it worse, it’s not like he loves her
This badger loves to drop his shorts.
Something he had done in the owl room
Got him kicked out of Hogwarts

This Hufflepuff knocked my house elf up…
A Hufflepuff knocked my house elf up.
And now she just makes sandwiches and won’t do other stuff…
A Hufflepuff knocked my house elf up.

It’s not exactly glamorous
A Hufflepuff so amorous,
A deviant whose doinking every
Creature he can find.
He had a go at Hagrid’s dog.
He even nailed a chocolate frog
A bowtruckle, a bludger,
and a golden snitch three times.
The monster book of monsters, too,
And Crookshanks in the common room
A leprechaun, a grindylow,
the garden gnomes outside.
He buggered a blast ended skrewt.
He diddles to that book by Newt.
The Gringotts goblins filed a suit
and won’t let him inside, cause
Track Name: Great Pumpkin
Tonight… It’s gonna happen tonight…
I’ve waited all of my life for this moment to arrive.
I’m here… I’ve suffered all of the jeers…
The halloween sky is clear… I’ve never felt so alive.

You can have your trick or treating
Keep your candy, you’ll be eating
Crow tomorrow anyway

So go… I think you already know…
You’re gonna reap what you sow… You think this all is just some story but…
At last… All of October has passed…
And here in the pumpkin patch I’ll be waiting on his Glory…

You can keep your masks and candy
I’ll be doing fine and dandy
As one of the anointed on All Hallow’s Day

When the Great Pumpkin comes, I will be the one, who finally gets to laugh at all of you who think I’m crazy.
When the Great Pumpkin comes, shining like the sun, I will choose forgiveness over vengeance, Okay maybe. Maybe not.

It’s here… And I can see it so clear…
This pumpkin patch is sincere, and sincerely here I wait
Each Halloween… Waiting just to be seen…
Just like I am in my dreams, chosen by his orange greatness…

While you’re at your parties dancing,
Trick or treating, or romancing,
I’ll be waiting chastely, prostrate in my fear…

When the Great Pumpkin comes, I will be the one, who finally gets to laugh at all of you who think I’m crazy.
When the Great Pumpkin comes, shining like the sun, I will choose forgiveness over vengeance, Okay maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe I’ll come riding in with his blazing orange greatness,
And all the infidels will flee or fall beneath our justice!
And I’ll be laughing heartily as all the unbelievers cry,
Linus forgive us! Oh please forgive us.

What’s that? I must’ve taken a nap.
And now my head feels like crap… and out over the horizon is
The sun… November first has begun…
Another Halloween done… with nothing left to show for it…

But just you wait until next year,
I’ll be waiting right back here
And next year he will visit, and next year you will pay!
Track Name: John McClane Is Coming (To Town)
You better not steal, you better not lie,
and don’t take a hostage I’m telling you why:
John McLane is coming to town

He hopped on a plane, came out to the coast
Had some laughs made some fists with his toes.
John McClane is coming to town.

He’s mad because his ex wife wife won’t take him back you know
He’s in the ventilation, now he’s got a machine gun, ho ho ho

You better not rob, you better not lie,
You better not shoot or, Or you’re gonna die!
John McLane is coming to town

And whether you’re a robber or terrorist, he’ll know
In Nakatomi plaza, now he’s got a machine gun ho ho ho

You better not steal, you better not lie,
and don’t take a hostage I’m telling you why:
John McClane is coming to town.

John McClane is coming
Yippee ki yi yay, motherfucker…
John McClane is coming to town.
Track Name: Monkey
It's so hard to show your hear to those you love,
To reveal all these emotions you command.
And when expressing your true feelings, store bought gifts might seem appealing,
But they lack the depth of something made by hand...
So I made you this monkey... This genetically altered monkey.

It's only slightly venomous, and it seems mostly tame.
And it can fling it's glowing poo that on impact burst in flames.
I made you this monkey...

I was nervous about how you would react.
Would you reject my love or would you fill this void?
But your expression says it all
and with each happy tear that falls
upon your cheek, I must admit I'm overjoyed...

That I made you this monkey. This genetically altered and venomous monkey.

He's got infrared vision and antennae that sense fear,
And a scorpion tail with poison barbs protruding form his rear,
But he's mostly a monkey.

That's right! Go run and play!
He's been in that cage all day!
His body flushes lactic acid so he never fatigues
And from his tear ducts he can spray
The toxic blood of your monkey...
Your venomous, genetically altered, and almost-tame monkey.

(Did I mention the poison barbs?)

It's so hard to show your hear to those you love,
To reveal all these emotions you command.
And when expressing your true feelings, store bought gifts might seem appealing,
But they lack the depth of something made by hand...
So I made you a monkey...
So I made you a monkey...
Track Name: Sailor Bacon
Who’s gonna stand up for what’s right
In a sailor suit and win the fight?
Awesome and a little weird,
With his rainbow colored beard.
There to see nobody gets forsaken?
Sailor Bacon…

Who’s gonna stand up for the rest
And lead the fight against MS?
Suddenly, he makes the scene,
Like a vision from a dream,
Don’t blink, and no, you’re not mistaken!
Sailor Bacon…

He rushes in when everybody runs away.
When hope seems lost it turns out Bacon saves the day!
Sailor Bacon…
Track Name: Build My Wings
Well, I sit here working on my next week’s game
On my days off this is how I spend my life.
And I’m writing NPCs and all their names
That I know my players all will criticize.

I put a plot hook here and a plot seed there
But I know they’ll just ignore them anyway

But I’m thinking as I grapple with my dice
Why do this work when they’ll screw it up anyway?
So I’m packing up my graph paper and books
And I just let Netflix fill up my free day.

And when game night comes I’ll just smirk and shrug
And run a game without a game to really play

But it’s too late to be scared and it’s too late for me to care
and its too late for me to ask if its too late
Because I’m standing at the edge of this imaginary precipice
And there’s only one step left that I can take…
I’ll build my wings on the way down… (x3)And I’ll fly today.

Well the party is two rogues a ranger-thief,
a thief-wizard and some paladin named Jim
In the town square, someone’s screaming Help Me Now
And they pick his pockets clean as Jim runs in

And he’s murdered by a cow, a demonic murder cow
Now for once I have the player’s attention.

But it’s too late to be scared and its too late for me to care
and its too late for me to ask if its too late
Because I’m standing at the precipice of madness maybe greatness
And there’s only one step left that I can take…

I’ll build my wings on the way down… (x3)
And I’ll fly today.

Sure, the game was really great and sure the murder cow was hated
And I was half a halfling short of TPK
But soon the next session arrives and that one halfling who survived
Had sworn a blood-cued on all cows and now that’s all we ever play

But it’s too latter care and it’s too late to be scared
and its too late for me to ask if its too late
Because I’m standing at the edge of this imaginary precipice
And there’s only one step left that I can take…
I’ll build my wings on the way down… (x3)
And I’ll fly today.
Track Name: The Opposite of Cool
I care a little too much
I laugh a little too loud
I look a touch out of place
But still blend in with a crowd
I was always picked last
For everything at my school…
I am the opposite of cool.

I still read comic books
I’ve got a long box or nine
Got a house full of cats
Post their pictures online
I wear the shirt of the band
Whose concert I’m going to…
I am the opposite of cool

I get a little too mad
Cry a little too much
I return every text
But I still feel out of touch
I get excited for things
And want to share them with you…
I am the opposite of cool.

I love some movies you don’t
And don’t like some that you do
I’m more a red-shirt than Kirk
And I still watch Doctor Who
And I know which Hogwarts house
that I’d want sorted into...
I am the opposite of cool.

I’ve got my head in the clouds
And my feet on the ground…
I’ve got my nose to the grindstone
But there’s no one around
I’ve got my head screwed on tight
Got my priorities straight
and every breath is a fight
But I’m feeling great

I don’t have too many friends
And I still answer my phone
I just don’t know how to dance
Unless I’m drunk or alone
I shouldn’t care what you think
But I still probably do...
I am the opposite of cool.
Track Name: Electric Monk
When you can't be bothered by the little things like life and love
or numbers and the truth thereof, or whether there's a god above,
Just call on me and I'll believe.

When you can't be bothered by the little things like clarity,
or faith and hope and charity, just know that you can call on me
And I'll believe. Yes, I'll believe.

I will believe for you those things you need me to.
Just let me know the whens and wheres. Don't need the why, I'll still be there,
it's true (it's what I'm programmed to do)
And I'll believe for you.

When you can't be bothered if the color of the mountain's pink
or lab mice in the kitchen sink all skating like a roller rink,
Just call on me and I'll believe.

When you can't be bothered by the horse that's underneath of us,
Which clouds or trees or rocks to trust, or elephant asparagus,
Just call on me and I'll believe.

I will believe for you those things you need me to.
Just let me know the whens and wheres. Don't need the why, I'll still be there,
it's true (it's what I'm programmed to do)
And I'll believe

That good is bad, that war is peace,
That the moon is made out of green cheese,
That God needs you to send moneys
To a certain box number so he'll be pleased.
And I'll believe that the number three
Could be forty three, or it could even be
Five hundred ninety-eight thousand, seven hundred and three.
Just call on me and I'll believe in anything and everything and...

I will believe for you those things you need me to.
Just let me know the whens and wheres. Don't need the why, Don't even care (Not programmed to)
And I'll believe for you.

I will believe for you those things you need me to.
Just let me know the whens and wheres. Don't need the why, I'll still be there,
it's true (it's what I'm programmed to do)
And I'll believe for you.
Track Name: Celebrate
Sometime when I was young I wandered out into the sun and went to play for the last time with all my friends,
Completely unaware that adolescence had begun and that our childhood was at an end…

Somewhere there is a moment I’ve forgotten
It didn’t seem important to me then

Sometime there was a love note, the first I ever got, somewhere was the last time I climbed a tree.
Somewhere on some shelf is the first book I ever bought, and the last music video I watched on MTV.

Somewhere there is a moment I’ve forgotten
It didn’t seem important to me then
The very last goodbye that I ever gave someone
And now I’ll never see them again..

So celebrate the things that you love before they all go away.
Celebrate the moments of this life before they fade.
Cause someday we will all move on…
And someday this will all be gone…
But that is not today.

I can’t remember all my classes, all my locker combinations, or my last in-class movie…
I can’t remember all my lunches, or my lunchroom conversations, but the people that I sat with are still a part of me…

Those houses never used to be there, just cornfields far as I could see.
That parking lot was a playground where I played, that bank a church, and that bar a bakery.

So celebrate the things that you love before they all go away.
Celebrate the moments of this life before they fade.
Cause someday we will all move on…
And someday this will all be gone…
But that is not today.

One night will be the last time that we ever kiss goodnight, One gift will be the last I ever bring.
One heart will be the last heart that I will ever break, one song will be the last song that I ever sing.

So celebrate the things that you love before they all go away.
Celebrate the moments of this life before they fade.
So celebrate the things that you love before they all go away.
Celebrate the moments of this life before they fade.
Cause someday we will all move on…
And someday this will all be gone…
But that is not today.
Track Name: Twisted Faerie Tale
Her lips as red as blood and
Her skin as white as snow and
Her hair like darkest ravens
midnight flows across the land and

You don’t really want to stop to catch your breath
You ache, your muscles burn
A red cloak flutters down the hall
A woodsman’s axe against the wall
And nowhere left to turn…

But this is just a twisted faerie tale
And none of you are going to be alright
This is just a twisted faerie tale
And none of you will make it through the night…

The paw prints on the ground and
Cursed briars all around and
Blood stains upon her gown and
Towers come falling down and
Prince Charming’s nowhere to be seen
And now she hunts a wolf with
Freedom’s smile upon her lips cause
When he gave her true love’s kiss (she said goodbye…)

But this is just a twisted faerie tale
And none of you are going to be alright
This is just a twisted faerie tale
And none of you will make it through the night…
You won’t see the light…

Spinning wheels and witches hold nothing for her now
She’s got the kind of strength that can walk away from crowns…
So no more waiting to be saved, she bundles up her dress
She’s not a damsel in distress, she’s just a damsel, there’s distress, she’ll handle it.

But this is just a twisted faerie tale
And none of you are going to be alright
This is just a twisted faerie tale
And only she will make it through the night,
Live to see the light…

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