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Merry Whatever

by Mikey Mason

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1.
How bout you [CENSORED] off for Christmas? How bout 9 [CENSORED] that I don’t give for Chanukah? How bout you kiss my hairy [CENSORED] for Kwanzaa? How bout your Happy Holidays can go get stuffed? I used to love this time of the year But then I grew up and it all became so clear. Between the family that you hate and all the family that hates you You spend a lot of [CENSORED] money on [CENSORED] you don’t wanna do? How bout you [CENSORED] off for Christmas? How bout 9 [CENSORED] that I don’t give for Chanukah? How bout you kiss my hairy ass for [CENSORED] ? How bout your Happy Holidays can go get stuffed? Oh see the trimmings and mistletoe? And all those decorations everywhere you go. They all went up on November first… But hit the store shelves back in August and it’s really just the worst! How bout you [CENSORED] off for Christmas? How bout 9 [CENSORED] that I don’t give for Chanukah? How bout you kiss my hairy [CENSORED] for Kwanzaa? How bout your Happy Holidays can go get stuffed? And when your mangy-[CENSORED] knee biters go to torment Santa Claus And wipe their grubby little [CENSORED] all over Santa’s draws And his elf says Merry Christmas, never doubt that this is true: They want ‘em gift-wrapped in a bear trap and shipped right back home to you! How bout you [CENSORED] off for Christmas? How bout 9 [CENSORED] that I don’t give for Chanukah? How bout you kiss my hairy [CENSORED] for Kwanzaa? How bout your Happy Holidays can go get stuffed? Just take your Happy Holidays and go get [CENSORED]!
2.
Accidentally 02:36
3.
The Season 02:29
4.
Winter brings complaining bout the snow Spring' it's the raining. In the summer we all gripe about the heat... But when we hear the siren calling When leaves threaten to start falling then we grab our hoodies and take to the streets! It's Pumpkin Spice-mas It's all that's nice-mas So don't think twice, just Come celebrate! It's Pumpkin Spice-mas All that delights us, It's paradise, just come grab a plate! We've got pumpkin spice lattes and pumpkin spice donuts And pumpkin spice vodka and there's pumpkin spice beer. And pumpkin spice Bailey's Irish Pumpkin Spice Cream And pumpkin spice cat food so your cat can give a cheer For Pumpkin Spice-mas It's all that's nice-mas So don't think twice, just Come celebrate! It's Pumpkin Spice-mas All that delights us, It's paradise, just come grab a plate! There's pumpkin spice Cheerios and pumpkin spice Triscuits and pumpkin spice m&m's and Skittles, Pringles, too. There's pumpkin spice cookies, though the British call them biscuits, from Oreo and Pepperidge Farms and Nestle Toll House, woo! It's Pumpkin Spice-mas It's all that's nice-mas So don't think twice, just Come celebrate! It's Pumpkin Spice-mas All that delights us, It's paradise, just come grab a plate! There are pumpkin spice almonds and marshmallows and linguine You can wash down with some Welch's sparkling pumpkin spice juice And there's pumpkin spice bagels, pumpkin spice jello pudding, And pumpkin spiced roasted salted garbanzo beans- OOOO! It's Pumpkin Spice-mas It's all that's nice-mas So don't think twice, just Come celebrate! It's Pumpkin Spice-mas All that delights us, It's paradise, just come grab a plate! Soon it all becomes so grating, Pumpkin Spicemas celebrating And the thing's that were elating us, we're staring to berate... With our pumpkin spice deodorant and spray tans and hair dyes Pumping pumpkin spice unleaded in our pumpkin spice V8's So we get all introspective and these products get rejected Til by spring they are but memories, so distant and so dim. But in late summer, we'll remember that the fall starts in September, So in August it will all come back again... It's Pumpkin Spice-mas It's all that's nice-mas So don't think twice, just Come celebrate! It's Pumpkin Spice-mas All that delights us, It's paradise, just come grab a plate!
5.
O Bacon Tree 00:42
6.
Pretty baby, I think you need to understand Sometimes to get big love, you need a little man Little tiny fun-size fingers reachin' where no king-size can! You know darlin', it's about that time of year Where a man like me can spread a special kind of cheer: Take off all my jingle bells til I'm just wearin' pointy ears! Ooooooo... All you gotta do Is get down on your knees And make sweet love to little ol' me! I'll rock around your Christmas tree, that's what I'm gonna do. Play a few reindeer games and stuff your stocking, too. Santa's little helper's got a big, big present here for you... Get you under the mistletoe and tie you up with lights. This year, we're gonna be naughty 'cause it feels so nice. Santa ain't the one comin' down your chimney tonight! Ooooooo... All you gotta do Is get down on your knees And make sweet elfin' love to little ol' me!
7.
Raccoons fighting for a piece of cheese Toothless sharks and bad tattoos Twerking with your Grandma at a strip club buffet Rubber doggie dookie and fake news Screaming children, hate groups, port-o-pottys, STDs Chainsaws, human sacrifice Pit stains on your shirts, and a Walmart on fire And getting your junk caught in a vice Half-shaven sheep, and frozen cats, And watching friends inhale some wind that you passed. Foot fungus, guacamole, beer, And a poodle with a sausage bandolier. Overflowing dumpsters, insurance salesmen robocalls Watching scrambled porn in 1992 In hopes you get through this season Okay Merry Un-Christmas to you…
8.
How bout you fuck off for Christmas? How bout 9 shits that I don’t give for Chanukah? How bout you kiss my hairy ass for Kwanzaa? How bout your Happy Holidays can go get stuffed? I used to love this time of the year But then I grew up and it all became so clear. Between the family that you hate and all the family that hates you You spend a lot of fucking money on shit you don’t wanna do? How bout you fuck off for Christmas? How bout 9 shits that I don’t give for Chanukah? How bout you kiss my hairy ass for Kwanzaa? How bout your Happy Holidays can go get stuffed? Oh see the trimmings and mistletoe? And all those decorations everywhere you go. They all went up on November first… But hit the store shelves back in August and it’s really just the worst! How bout you fuck off for Christmas? How bout 9 shits that I don’t give for Chanukah? How bout you kiss my hairy ass for Kwanzaa? How bout your Happy Holidays can go get stuffed? And when your mangy-ass knee biters go to torment Santa Claus And wipe their grubby little dick beaters all over Santa’s draws And his elf says Merry Christmas, never doubt that this is true: They want ‘em gift-wrapped in a bear trap and shipped right back home to you! How bout you fuck off for Christmas? How bout 9 shits that I don’t give for Chanukah? How bout you kiss my hairy ass for Kwanzaa? How bout your Happy Holidays can go get stuffed? Just take your Happy Holidays and go get fucked!

about

It's the "Holiday" album no one wanted, collecting several festively songs that never made it onto another album and some new tracks as well.

All of Mikey's music is made possible by his Patreon supporters, and expecially: Robin Abess, Jeremy Jackson and Jennifer Lewis, James Doster, John Woollard, and Shouts Out Unicorn!

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released November 22, 2018

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Mikey Mason Indianapolis, Indiana

A nationally touring performer with hits like She Don’t Like Firefly, Best Game Ever, and Opposite of Cool, Mikey Mason is a ball of contagious enthusiasm who makes songs about role-playing games, video games, sci-fi, fantasy, cats, and the general experience of being a geek. He’s been heard on nerdist.com, SyFy, TheFuMP.com, and Dr. Demento, and is a truly must-see event each time he performs. ... more

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