Another crappy shift at work, a thankless job that's only perk is quitting time so I can get away from all these jerks and, I see you walk by every day, past my window on your way To somewhere better than this hell hole where I earn my pay but, You don't notice me at all. I'm too afraid to take a fall. If I were someone else I'd say hi, but I stall. If I could just be cool like Han Solo, if I could misbehave like Captain Mal, If I could just be half as smooth as Lando, I could get a grip on life somehow. Life would simply rule, if I could be Han Solo cool. My manager thinks that I'm nuts, I finally work up the guts, To ask you out. I step outside, he follows me, we see you but, BUT My parking meter's out of time, I left all of my change inside, He's got a date, I've got a ticket by the time I've grabbed a dime. This doesn't seem too fair at all, I'm hurt and sickened by his gall, I'd quit my job and kick his ass if I had balls... If I could just be cool like Han Solo, if I could misbehave like Captain Mal, If I could just be half as smooth as Lando, I could get a grip on life somehow. If I could kick some Alien ass like Ripley, if I could make you laugh like Dr. Who, If I could follow treasure maps like Indy, they would always lead me back to you. Life would simply rule, if I could be Han Solo cool. If I were thawed from carbonite would you let me hold you tight? If I were a scoundrel could I steal your heart and steal a kiss goodnight? If I could just learn to shoot first instead of waiting for the worst, I'd Kessel run for you blindfolded in reverse... Punch it, Chewie! If I could just be cool like Han Solo, if I could misbehave like Captain Mal, If I could just be half as smooth as Lando, I could get a grip on life somehow. If I could kick some Alien ass like Ripley, if I could make you laugh like Dr. Who, If I could follow treasure maps like Indy, they would always lead me back to you. Life would simply rule, if I could be Han Solo cool... If I could be Han Solo... You'd say, “I love you.” I'd say, “I know.”

Grab a poker, stoke the fire, get the water nice and hot. Cut the onions, the potatoes, throw them all into the pot. But it seems like something's missing in this bubbling vat of gravy... From the village square a woman screams, “Kobolds Ate My Baby!” Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Bar all the windows and lock all the doors, cause kobolds are hunting tonight. They want a sweet little human treat, and a baby will do just right. In honor of Vor, the Big Angry Red God, their ruler has declared a feast Of succulent pastries and dainty delights, and exotic delicacies. (That means babies!) Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! They're short and they're hairy and so full of teeth, their mouth takes up most of their head. Stupid and hungry, and tasty as well, most of them soon end up dead. But quicker than tribbles or rabbits can mate, they repopulate with ease. And so, to avoid being thrown in the pot, they gear up and hunt babies. (Catch that baby!) Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds eat a bunch of different things, disgusting and delicious. They don't care if it is fattening or cardboard or nutritious. But they'll pass up almost anything to grab a little baby, And the reason they like babies best is “'cause babies is so tasty!” Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg! Kobolds ate my baby, for Torg—All Hail King Torg!

Hello Daily Journal, connect me to Tom Evander He wrote the piece today on Dr. Romulus. I was anxious and offended, and because I am said Doctor, Find the claim that I am evil more than slightly libelous. I don't really want to rule world, but it's done such a horrid job Of ruling itself, maybe it's my time. On the other hand I ache for the eternal void of chaos Its a bifurcated world view, but it's mine. In the meantime, it's best if you desist. I can't let you call me evil, I simply must insist... I'm not evil, I'm insane and slightly angry, A more accurate descriptor would be mad. So kindly check your rhetoric, your demagogic verbiage. To draw my full attentions would be bad. Because I'm mad! Wake up, Tom, I know it's late and it is likely quite unsettling For me to turn up armed and at your home. Please ignore the robots, they're just for my protection, They react to sudden movements, so it's best if you stay prone. I think we both want what is best, ending hunger and unrest, But we share differing ideologies. Though our methods demarcate us, all that really separates us is A hundred IQ points and maybe sociopathy. I'm not evil, I'm insane and pretty angry, A more accurate descriptor would be mad. So kindly check your rhetoric, your demagogic verbiage. To draw my full attentions would be bad. Because I'm mad! Perhaps you think I'm evil for the things that I have done, but I just don't have the time or will to justify each one. I'm a man of many masters, and I live a paradox: Bending the world to my new order, just as I incite chaos. Now, Tom, I'm very angered, in your article today, You called me evil in at least a dozen different ways. In the first sentence alone you used the words loathsome and base, Malignant and malicious, heinous, vile and depraved. Well your thesaurus surely warranted it's cover price today, and that brings us to our business here tonight. Because of your transgressions, you'll be torn apart by robots, But if it's any consolation, it turns out that you were right! I may be evil, but I'm still insanely angry, And that only reinforces that I'm mad! And you had to shoot your mouth off, be the real voice of the people, And you drew my full attention and that's bad... Because I'm mad... Evil and mad...

It was the best game ever... The traps and riddles were so clever, And hardly any of our party even died Except for George, but he deserved it. He kept doing really dumb shit. We split his magic items up, I swear to God he almost cried. And when he came back in the game with his new gnome thief mage assassin We stole all his gear again and sold him as a slave. This was the best game ever! I took his set of +4 leather Then we hopped aboard the plot train, let it take us for a ride, But then George came back...And this time he was a druid Who refused to leave the forest and always tried to start a fight. And that's exactly what he did with a poor farmer on the outskirts Of the town who turned out to be a god in disguise. Best. Game. Ever. 'Cause George's druid's head got severed And he came back in the game while we were going through this cave To slay a dragon. This time he was a barbarian, Who hated both our magic users, but had a magic sword of flame. And when we reached the dragon's lair he argued tactics for an hour, Til we fed him to the dragon and then killed it in three rounds. BEST. GAME. EVER. And as we wound down the adventure, back in town inside the tavern, George was there as a half elf/half orcish monk illusionist. And as we counted out our treasure he insisted on attempting To seduce the barmaid, laughing as she cried and raised her fists. Until he saw all of our weapons raised, and as he died he swore That he would never game with us again as long as he lived. BEST! GAME! EVER! Saved a barmaid, slayed a dragon, Got the treasure, raised a flagon, And we racked up the XP. And we will never have to deal with George's bullshit In another game again, that is at least until next week. Cause he is the GM's brother, and her mom won't let us game there In their basement anymore, unless we say that he can play. And I know you had to be there, but I swear to all that's holy, Victory was never sweeter than it was today. Best Game Ever...

I sold all my comic books to move out east for you. I cancelled my WOW account and Steam subscription, too. 'Cause you hated hearing video game noise, And you got me a real job and Ebay-ed my toys, And my autographed pictures of Leonard Nimoy. And then you said goodbye... And my next girlfriend will be better than my ex-girlfriend. She'll get all my jokes and read Penny Arcade. She'll come to my bedroom all dressed for cosplay. She'll want a three-way with Felicia Day. My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend of all... Remember how you used to call my action figures dolls? And slept with my jock roommates? And our neighbors, down the hall? And how you would never drink good beer with me. And how you had laughed at my virginity. You took my heart and my dignity, And then you said goodbye... And my next girlfriend will be better than my ex-girlfriend. She'll collect Star Wars and like geeks more than jocks. She'll drink good beer and like bourbon on rocks. And her vagina will be mint in box. My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend of all... My next girlfriend will be better than my ex-girlfriend. She'll get all my jokes and read Penny Arcade. She'll come to my bedroom all dressed for cosplay. She'll want a three-way with Erin Gray. My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend... She'll want a three-way with Virginia Hey. My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend... She'll want a three-way with Marisa Tomei, She's the new Aunt May. My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend... She'll want a three-way with Colin Firth or Marc Ruffalo, They're dreamy but accessible, And they seem kinda broken, But I'm sure I could fix 'em With the right amount of cuddling, My next girlfriend might not be a girl at all...