Tentacow

by Mikey Mason

/
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
01:52
12.
13.
03:50
14.
15.
03:38
16.

about

Thanks to Trent, Sean, John, & the other Sean--the 1st one,
Jonah Knight, The Blibbering Humdingers, Valentine Wolfe,
& everyone I forgot to thank.
Special thanks to Kirsten Vaughan (who sang harmony with me
when I wrote Waiting To Wait In Line at Dragon*Con 2015 and
for rightly insisting that I not call it Waiting To Stand In Line,)
& Chris Carothers for getting me to spout the BS that birthed
the Tentacow story, and all the awesome folks who
enjoy my online shows!

I love you guys.
-Mikey

credits

released June 2, 2016

All songs, performances, instrumentation and recordings by
Mikey Mason except:
Lead guitar on White Trash Geek and Waiting to Wait In Line
courtesy of Trent Wilson
www.facebook.com/BigDamnHeroesBand/
twitter: @BDH_Band
Synths, electric piano, and organ on White Trash Geek and
Awkwardly courtesy of Sean Faust
www.facebook.com/SeanFaustMusicPage
twitter: @seanfaust
If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part I) co-written by John King
twitter: @notthatjohnking

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Mikey Mason Indianapolis, Indiana

contact / help

Contact Mikey Mason

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Track Name: White Trash Geek
Gather 'round everybody, you're about to be
In the presence of a redneck oddity
I'm the third generation from a doublewide
But I've got a fanboy streak at least a parsec wide
I can quote Holy Grail, I keep my dice in a Crown Royal bag
'Cause I'm a geek but I'm white trash.

I've got my trailer decorated like the Enterprise D
With a viewscreen made from a plasma TV
Instead of Romulan Ale, I drink Beam on the rocks
I've got an outhouse painted like a Police Box
I've got a burglar alarm on my trailer, screams, "You shall not pass!"
'Cause I'm a geek, but I'm WHITE TRASH

I've got a vanity plate that reads OUTATIME
And my birthday cake said "The cake is a lie."
I broke a man's tooth who said that Han shot back
And my boys are named Jimmy, Johnny, Joey, Jango, Jared, and Jack.
And I'll go karaoke, but I'll only sing Shatner or Cash
'Cause I'm a geek, but I'm WHITE TRASH!
Track Name: If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part I)
Sittin' at Five Guys, waiting to pick up dinner
Don't Fear The Reaper is playing
An old man nearby munches peanuts
The whole family's sick and it's raining.

Somewhere a mama cries out for justice where no justice will come,
And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions, son.
But I just want my burger, and this ain't Born To Run.
Track Name: The Wisdom of Hounds
Rub my belly, scratch my back, take me out running in the grass
Tell me stories while you bathe me, maybe let me smell your ass
Give me sausages and bitches 'cause they make the world go round,
It's the secret to life it's... The Wisdom of Hounds.

I can't help noticing you're anxious, there's prob'ly something wrong
Some unfortunate thing has you singing sad songs
Those guilt ferrets are bastards, you're feeling overwhelmed
But don't worry, I've got this, I know how to help...

Rub my belly, scratch my back, take me out running in the grass
Tell me stories while you bathe me, maybe let me smell your ass
Let's get sausages and bitches 'cause they make the world go round,
It's the cure for what ails you. It's The Wisdom of Hounds.

I see you're doubtful my prescription could really cheer you up,
But have you seen someone frowning while cuddling a pup?
Or an apple chicken sausage that you didn't want to taste?
could bitches raise your spirits? Well just let me count the ways!

Then rub my belly, scratch my back, take me out running in the grass
Tell me stories while you bathe me, maybe let me smell your ass
Let's get sausages and bitches 'cause they make the world go round,
It's the cure for what ails you. It's The Wisdom of Hounds.

And if you ever feel the need to get out of this place, pack it up & just leave,
Maybe the price was too steep, the price we all pay for our badassery
I'll be right by your side, like a true wolfhound should,
If there's sausage and bitches, then anywhere's good!

Rub my belly, scratch my back, take me out running in the grass
Tell me stories while you bathe me, maybe let me smell your ass
Let's get sausages and bitches 'cause they make the world go round,
It's the cure for what ails you. It's The Wisdom of Hounds.
But nobody cares for... the Wisdom of Hounds.
Track Name: If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part II)
Gettin' my brakes fixed, feeling despair mixed with hate
Aware of what I'll be paying
There's gum on my shoe, on the waiting room TV
A televangelist's praying

Somewhere a microwave starts beeping. Somebody's Hot Pocket's done.
And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son.
But I just want my brakes fixed and this ain't Born To Run.
Track Name: Over and Over
Good ol' Charlie Brown is winding up to take a running start, knowing Lucy will just pull that ball away.
But in my head there is a special place, where Charlie kicks her in the face, not doomed to always make the same mistake...

Over and over and over and over and over again...
Over and over and over and over and over again... And over again...

Until the day he can go running down a painted tunnel hall, Coyote just won't taste that goddamn bird...
But Beep beep zoom pow through the mural painted on a cliff face wall, and poor Wile E. just goes splat without a word...

Over and over and over and over and over again...
Over and over and over and over and over again... And over again...

Like Sisyphus, or Gargamel, or Pinky and the Brain
They light the pyres they're bound to and they burn
It's like they're stuck in Groundhog's Day, forever on repeat,
but unlike Billy Murray, they won't learn.

Over and over and over and over and over again...
Over and over and over and over and over again... And over again...

You know Batman could end the cycle, stab the Joker through the heart, and finally justify that stupid batarang.
But he locks him up in Arkham, after every friggin' crime, and lets him break out break out and they play their stupid game.

Over and over and over and over and over again...
Over and over and over and over and over again... And over again...
Track Name: If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part III)
Checking my Facebook just for a quick look to see
What social media's hating
A cop right behind me hits his police lights and now
I'm on the roadside waiting.

He's got my license and registration back with his badge and his gun
And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son.
But I just got a ticket and this ain't Born To Run...
Track Name: Waiting To Wait In Line (Dragon*Con)
There's a maze of yellow tape laid out on the hotel floor
That we're not allowed to cross or to impede
Until a single volunteer with a radio in ear
Tells us all to form a human centipede...

And then we're waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line...
Waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line...
Keep your badges out and facing forward,
Don't stop just keep moving toward the line
Waiting to wait in line.

A new line will be starting shortly says a man who's curt an portly
With the voice of hand-me0down, implied authority.
There's tons of us and one of him, and our ranks just keep closing in
I'd show him that he's not the boss of me,

Except I'm waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line...
Waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line...
Keep your badges out and facing forward,
Don't stop just keep moving toward the line
Waiting to wait in line.
Track Name: If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part IV)
Stuck at a rest stop, I felt my bowels pop and now
I'm hovering over this seat
Correcting the grammar on the graffiti
It's late and I'm running out of ink

The guy in the next stall smells like he's dying
And sounds like he's not nearly done
And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son.
But I'm out of paper and this ain't Born To Run...
Track Name: Better Than Darth Vader
I think it's fair to say I haven't been the greatest father,
But at least you weren't raised by your uncle, farming moisture from the sand,
And I didn't kill your mother or a classroom full of padawans,
And never once did I cut off your hand...

And I know because you're my child, you'll complain about that last part,
Cause you could totally have your own bionic robot hand by now.
But robot hands aren't even covered under our insurance,
And if they were, you'd hate it anyhow...

You wouldn't get the iHand6 or even last years model,
You'd get the hand equivalent of a flip phone, so absurd,
You'd roll your eyes, and scream at me and tell me that you hate me,
And flip me your new lame robotic bird

And you might think it's lame I want you in the family business,
But not to rule a galaxy as child and dear old dad,
And I might have lost my temper, but I never built a death star
Or destroyed a planet cause you made me mad

I wasn't absent from your life until you were an adult,
I wasn't such an asshat that they hid my kids from me,
Although you might wish that they had when I see your report cards,
And ground you until you at least make C's...

And I love you with my whole heart, and mostly unconditionally,
I don't care if you're a dreamer or Republican or gay,
But I'll be damned to hell if I will raise a vegetarian,
And I never cut your hand off, so that's okay...

I think It's fair to say I've never been the greatest father,
We've had our disagreements, and I'm sure we'll have some more.
You might think I'm a tyrant just because you have a curfew.
But I'm better than Darth Vader, that's for sure.
Track Name: If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part V)
I'm in my hotel fresh from the shower
The towel wrapped around me, scratchy and thin
Sounds from the next room, crashes and big booms
A slap, and now the shrieking begins

Either they're porn stars or it's a murder, but I just don't know which one.
And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son.
But I just want some quiet and this ain't Born To Run...
Track Name: Clean Break
She said, "Let's make this a clean break
Cause I don't think that I can take
All of your bad jokes anymore
You're sick and twisted to the core
You need something I just can't fake."

She said, "Just take it like a man
'Cause I've had all that I can stand
So pack your bags, you're thirty now
Just dry your tears, don't have a cow
We both knew someday this would end"

She said "Get the hell out or I'll kick your teeth out"
She said "I don't wanna cause a fuss"
And I said "Bitch, you wouldn't talk so tough without your
Walker between us"

And like a cobra, poised to strike
I kicked her walker to the side
I knocked her down onto the floor
Stepped in-between her and the door
Said, "No one leaves til someone dies"

Then I grabbed her walker to finish her off
Cause when you're fighting, there ain't no rules
But she grabbed her cane when I wasn't looking
And she hit me in the family jewels

Down on my knees in shock and pain,
She stood once more and raised her cane
My arm shot out and held it tight
My wrist she then began to bite
Just like a pit bull gone insane

And then we just screamed and fought for hours
'Til we bled and our throats were raw
Until we heard cop cars in front of the trailer
And we decided we should call it a draw

We called a truce and fled the scene
And blocks away in an alley
I pulled her false teeth from my wrist
Apologized for being pissed
And saying things I didn't mean

And I said, "I'm sorry mom" and "I love you mom"
And she gave a motherly embrace
And she said "It's okay son, I understand
But you're still getting your own place"
And then she punched me in the face.
Track Name: If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part VI)
I'm at the movies, the floor is all sticky
The kid right behind me is kicking my seat
His dad's on his cell phone, the previews are starting
I know in my heart I should get up and leave

By the time that I turn and get through "Excuse me"
The first punch is already done.
And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son.
But I just got arrested and this ain't Born To Run...
Track Name: Awkwardly
I look up from my book in a nook in the corner as you walk in
I’m alone at a table for one, you’re surrounded by your friends…

I try to smile and wave to you casually
But its hard to be cool when you look like a fool spilling your coffee

In the elevator I’m standing too close and scoot back an inch…
But that’s too far away so I move back again…

I can't to get close to you…
I don’t know how to make a move
I’ll have to redefine sexy
As I seduce you awkwardly.

My experiments at small talk failed abysmally
When I stammered and blushed, got tongue tied almost instantly…

Can't tell if you wanna hang out or run away
I read to much into everything you say...

I just want to get close to you…
I don’t know how to make a move
I’ll have to redefine sexy
As I seduce you awkwardly.
I want so bad to dance with you
But I scare small children when I move
I’ll have to redefine sexy
as I seduce you awkwardly…

I’ve got butterflies cause I’m close and I want to apologize
As I try not to traumatize you with my bedroom eyes.
Track Name: If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part VII)
Stuck in a jail cell, wearing all orange
Except for these second-hand underwear
Tried my collect calls, my wife wouldn't answer
I don't have a lawyer and I don't care

I finally got me some peace and some quiet
And time to get some writing done
And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son.
But I'm in county lockup and this ain't Born To Run...
Track Name: Legends
Like a faded old parchment, this map of my life
Lies here before me tonight.
Al the paths laid out for me, my career and my wife,
And the choices I've made, wrong and right.

I need a life that's not written in blood or in stone,
Wanna tear from this page and stand on my own,
And when history is written, I'll write mine alone,
Legends are born in this way.

For uncharted waters, the sailors of old
Used dragons to mark on the map.
I'm drawn to these waters on the map of my life,
The only place where there's no path.

I need a world of blank pages to sail upon
In the unexplored space 'tween the dusk and the dawn.
I'll ride on those dragons and see what's beyond.
Legends are born in this way.

Legends are born because...

Legends are born in blank spots on the map
Where the pages are worn thin by
Dragons, uncertainties, promises made.
Legends are born in this way.

I'm not seeking new worlds in this journey I'm on,
Just trying to find my own way.
When you walk down the path that another has drawn,
You lose what your voice has to say,
And legends are killed in this way.

Legends are killed because...

Legends are born in the dragon-marked waters
Where sailors are warned to just
Turn back, to go around, just stay away.
Legends are born in this way.

I could turn back right now.
I could stay where I'm safe, but I won't.
Though I'm damned if I go,
I'll regret my whole life if I don't...

Legends are born in the back rooms of Heaven
Where dreams end up torn and then
Nobody rushes in to save the day,
Legends are born in this way.
Track Name: Tentacow Blues (Improvised)
O, child, Beware the Tentacow.
Beware the wily Tentacow...