Tentacow

by Mikey Mason

/
1.
Gather 'round everybody, you're about to be In the presence of a redneck oddity I'm the third generation from a doublewide But I've got a fanboy streak at least a parsec wide I can quote Holy Grail, I keep my dice in a Crown Royal bag 'Cause I'm a geek but I'm white trash. I've got my trailer decorated like the Enterprise D With a viewscreen made from a plasma TV Instead of Romulan Ale, I drink Beam on the rocks I've got an outhouse painted like a Police Box I've got a burglar alarm on my trailer, screams, "You shall not pass!" 'Cause I'm a geek, but I'm WHITE TRASH I've got a vanity plate that reads OUTATIME And my birthday cake said "The cake is a lie." I broke a man's tooth who said that Han shot back And my boys are named Jimmy, Johnny, Joey, Jango, Jared, and Jack. And I'll go karaoke, but I'll only sing Shatner or Cash 'Cause I'm a geek, but I'm WHITE TRASH!
2.
Sittin' at Five Guys, waiting to pick up dinner Don't Fear The Reaper is playing An old man nearby munches peanuts The whole family's sick and it's raining. Somewhere a mama cries out for justice where no justice will come, And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions, son. But I just want my burger, and this ain't Born To Run.
3.
Rub my belly, scratch my back, take me out running in the grass Tell me stories while you bathe me, maybe let me smell your ass Give me sausages and bitches 'cause they make the world go round, It's the secret to life it's... The Wisdom of Hounds. I can't help noticing you're anxious, there's prob'ly something wrong Some unfortunate thing has you singing sad songs Those guilt ferrets are bastards, you're feeling overwhelmed But don't worry, I've got this, I know how to help... Rub my belly, scratch my back, take me out running in the grass Tell me stories while you bathe me, maybe let me smell your ass Let's get sausages and bitches 'cause they make the world go round, It's the cure for what ails you. It's The Wisdom of Hounds. I see you're doubtful my prescription could really cheer you up, But have you seen someone frowning while cuddling a pup? Or an apple chicken sausage that you didn't want to taste? could bitches raise your spirits? Well just let me count the ways! Then rub my belly, scratch my back, take me out running in the grass Tell me stories while you bathe me, maybe let me smell your ass Let's get sausages and bitches 'cause they make the world go round, It's the cure for what ails you. It's The Wisdom of Hounds. And if you ever feel the need to get out of this place, pack it up & just leave, Maybe the price was too steep, the price we all pay for our badassery I'll be right by your side, like a true wolfhound should, If there's sausage and bitches, then anywhere's good! Rub my belly, scratch my back, take me out running in the grass Tell me stories while you bathe me, maybe let me smell your ass Let's get sausages and bitches 'cause they make the world go round, It's the cure for what ails you. It's The Wisdom of Hounds. But nobody cares for... the Wisdom of Hounds.
4.
Gettin' my brakes fixed, feeling despair mixed with hate Aware of what I'll be paying There's gum on my shoe, on the waiting room TV A televangelist's praying Somewhere a microwave starts beeping. Somebody's Hot Pocket's done. And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son. But I just want my brakes fixed and this ain't Born To Run.
5.
Good ol' Charlie Brown is winding up to take a running start, knowing Lucy will just pull that ball away. But in my head there is a special place, where Charlie kicks her in the face, not doomed to always make the same mistake... Over and over and over and over and over again... Over and over and over and over and over again... And over again... Until the day he can go running down a painted tunnel hall, Coyote just won't taste that goddamn bird... But Beep beep zoom pow through the mural painted on a cliff face wall, and poor Wile E. just goes splat without a word... Over and over and over and over and over again... Over and over and over and over and over again... And over again... Like Sisyphus, or Gargamel, or Pinky and the Brain They light the pyres they're bound to and they burn It's like they're stuck in Groundhog's Day, forever on repeat, but unlike Billy Murray, they won't learn. Over and over and over and over and over again... Over and over and over and over and over again... And over again... You know Batman could end the cycle, stab the Joker through the heart, and finally justify that stupid batarang. But he locks him up in Arkham, after every friggin' crime, and lets him break out break out and they play their stupid game. Over and over and over and over and over again... Over and over and over and over and over again... And over again...
6.
Checking my Facebook just for a quick look to see What social media's hating A cop right behind me hits his police lights and now I'm on the roadside waiting. He's got my license and registration back with his badge and his gun And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son. But I just got a ticket and this ain't Born To Run...
7.
There's a maze of yellow tape laid out on the hotel floor That we're not allowed to cross or to impede Until a single volunteer with a radio in ear Tells us all to form a human centipede... And then we're waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line... Keep your badges out and facing forward, Don't stop just keep moving toward the line Waiting to wait in line. A new line will be starting shortly says a man who's curt an portly With the voice of hand-me0down, implied authority. There's tons of us and one of him, and our ranks just keep closing in I'd show him that he's not the boss of me, Except I'm waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line... Waiting to wait in line... Keep your badges out and facing forward, Don't stop just keep moving toward the line Waiting to wait in line.
8.
Stuck at a rest stop, I felt my bowels pop and now I'm hovering over this seat Correcting the grammar on the graffiti It's late and I'm running out of ink The guy in the next stall smells like he's dying And sounds like he's not nearly done And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son. But I'm out of paper and this ain't Born To Run...
9.
I think it's fair to say I haven't been the greatest father, But at least you weren't raised by your uncle, farming moisture from the sand, And I didn't kill your mother or a classroom full of padawans, And never once did I cut off your hand... And I know because you're my child, you'll complain about that last part, Cause you could totally have your own bionic robot hand by now. But robot hands aren't even covered under our insurance, And if they were, you'd hate it anyhow... You wouldn't get the iHand6 or even last years model, You'd get the hand equivalent of a flip phone, so absurd, You'd roll your eyes, and scream at me and tell me that you hate me, And flip me your new lame robotic bird And you might think it's lame I want you in the family business, But not to rule a galaxy as child and dear old dad, And I might have lost my temper, but I never built a death star Or destroyed a planet cause you made me mad I wasn't absent from your life until you were an adult, I wasn't such an asshat that they hid my kids from me, Although you might wish that they had when I see your report cards, And ground you until you at least make C's... And I love you with my whole heart, and mostly unconditionally, I don't care if you're a dreamer or Republican or gay, But I'll be damned to hell if I will raise a vegetarian, And I never cut your hand off, so that's okay... I think It's fair to say I've never been the greatest father, We've had our disagreements, and I'm sure we'll have some more. You might think I'm a tyrant just because you have a curfew. But I'm better than Darth Vader, that's for sure.
10.
I'm in my hotel fresh from the shower The towel wrapped around me, scratchy and thin Sounds from the next room, crashes and big booms A slap, and now the shrieking begins Either they're porn stars or it's a murder, but I just don't know which one. And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son. But I just want some quiet and this ain't Born To Run...
11.
Clean Break 01:52
She said, "Let's make this a clean break Cause I don't think that I can take All of your bad jokes anymore You're sick and twisted to the core You need something I just can't fake." She said, "Just take it like a man 'Cause I've had all that I can stand So pack your bags, you're thirty now Just dry your tears, don't have a cow We both knew someday this would end" She said "Get the hell out or I'll kick your teeth out" She said "I don't wanna cause a fuss" And I said "Bitch, you wouldn't talk so tough without your Walker between us" And like a cobra, poised to strike I kicked her walker to the side I knocked her down onto the floor Stepped in-between her and the door Said, "No one leaves til someone dies" Then I grabbed her walker to finish her off Cause when you're fighting, there ain't no rules But she grabbed her cane when I wasn't looking And she hit me in the family jewels Down on my knees in shock and pain, She stood once more and raised her cane My arm shot out and held it tight My wrist she then began to bite Just like a pit bull gone insane And then we just screamed and fought for hours 'Til we bled and our throats were raw Until we heard cop cars in front of the trailer And we decided we should call it a draw We called a truce and fled the scene And blocks away in an alley I pulled her false teeth from my wrist Apologized for being pissed And saying things I didn't mean And I said, "I'm sorry mom" and "I love you mom" And she gave a motherly embrace And she said "It's okay son, I understand But you're still getting your own place" And then she punched me in the face.
12.
I'm at the movies, the floor is all sticky The kid right behind me is kicking my seat His dad's on his cell phone, the previews are starting I know in my heart I should get up and leave By the time that I turn and get through "Excuse me" The first punch is already done. And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son. But I just got arrested and this ain't Born To Run...
13.
Awkwardly 03:50
I look up from my book in a nook in the corner as you walk in I’m alone at a table for one, you’re surrounded by your friends… I try to smile and wave to you casually But its hard to be cool when you look like a fool spilling your coffee In the elevator I’m standing too close and scoot back an inch… But that’s too far away so I move back again… I can't to get close to you… I don’t know how to make a move I’ll have to redefine sexy As I seduce you awkwardly. My experiments at small talk failed abysmally When I stammered and blushed, got tongue tied almost instantly… Can't tell if you wanna hang out or run away I read to much into everything you say... I just want to get close to you… I don’t know how to make a move I’ll have to redefine sexy As I seduce you awkwardly. I want so bad to dance with you But I scare small children when I move I’ll have to redefine sexy as I seduce you awkwardly… I’ve got butterflies cause I’m close and I want to apologize As I try not to traumatize you with my bedroom eyes.
14.
Stuck in a jail cell, wearing all orange Except for these second-hand underwear Tried my collect calls, my wife wouldn't answer I don't have a lawyer and I don't care I finally got me some peace and some quiet And time to get some writing done And if Springsteen wrote this, it'd sell millions son. But I'm in county lockup and this ain't Born To Run...
15.
Legends 03:38
Like a faded old parchment, this map of my life Lies here before me tonight. Al the paths laid out for me, my career and my wife, And the choices I've made, wrong and right. I need a life that's not written in blood or in stone, Wanna tear from this page and stand on my own, And when history is written, I'll write mine alone, Legends are born in this way. For uncharted waters, the sailors of old Used dragons to mark on the map. I'm drawn to these waters on the map of my life, The only place where there's no path. I need a world of blank pages to sail upon In the unexplored space 'tween the dusk and the dawn. I'll ride on those dragons and see what's beyond. Legends are born in this way. Legends are born because... Legends are born in blank spots on the map Where the pages are worn thin by Dragons, uncertainties, promises made. Legends are born in this way. I'm not seeking new worlds in this journey I'm on, Just trying to find my own way. When you walk down the path that another has drawn, You lose what your voice has to say, And legends are killed in this way. Legends are killed because... Legends are born in the dragon-marked waters Where sailors are warned to just Turn back, to go around, just stay away. Legends are born in this way. I could turn back right now. I could stay where I'm safe, but I won't. Though I'm damned if I go, I'll regret my whole life if I don't... Legends are born in the back rooms of Heaven Where dreams end up torn and then Nobody rushes in to save the day, Legends are born in this way.
16.
O, child, Beware the Tentacow. Beware the wily Tentacow...

about

Thanks to Trent, Sean, John, & the other Sean--the 1st one,
Jonah Knight, The Blibbering Humdingers, Valentine Wolfe,
& everyone I forgot to thank.
Special thanks to Kirsten Vaughan (who sang harmony with me
when I wrote Waiting To Wait In Line at Dragon*Con 2015 and
for rightly insisting that I not call it Waiting To Stand In Line,)
& Chris Carothers for getting me to spout the BS that birthed
the Tentacow story, and all the awesome folks who
enjoy my online shows!

I love you guys.
-Mikey

credits

released June 2, 2016

All songs, performances, instrumentation and recordings by
Mikey Mason except:
Lead guitar on White Trash Geek and Waiting to Wait In Line
courtesy of Trent Wilson
www.facebook.com/BigDamnHeroesBand/
twitter: @BDH_Band
Synths, electric piano, and organ on White Trash Geek and
Awkwardly courtesy of Sean Faust
www.facebook.com/SeanFaustMusicPage
twitter: @seanfaust
If Springsteen Wrote My Life (Part I) co-written by John King
twitter: @notthatjohnking

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Mikey Mason Indianapolis, Indiana

A nationally touring performer with hits like She Don’t Like Firefly, Best Game Ever, and Opposite of Cool, Mikey Mason is a ball of contagious enthusiasm who makes songs about role-playing games, video games, sci-fi, fantasy, cats, and the general experience of being a geek. He’s been heard on nerdist.com, SyFy, TheFuMP.com, and Dr. Demento, and is a truly must-see event each time he performs. ... more

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