It’s said the real miracle of Jesus was having 12 close friends in his thirties My friendships now are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans And I’m so tired all the time, and my back hurts all the time And I just cleaned my whole house and now it all needs cleaned again And I finally understand what my mom was so upset about And I’ve got a laundry pile and this real nice box I can’t throw out And I’m an adult now so nobody can tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do… I’m always rushing to get somewhere I don’t want to go in the first place I used to sneak out to go party, I sneak out of parties now to go home And I swear I haven’t changed, but now everything is strange And the front one on the right’s my favorite burner on the stove And I finally understand what my mom was so upset about And I’ve got a bag of plastic bags and boxes that I can’t throw out And I’m an adult now so nobody can tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do… I wanna be invited but I just don’t wanna go My life is mostly paying bills & telling myself no And deleting all these emails… I’ve got 50 f***ing Tupperwares and not one matching lid I’ve got at least a couple boxes full of random power cords And I don’t wanna cook, and I can’t afford to eat out Got a mushy veggie pile in my refrigerator drawer And I finally understand what my mom was so upset about And I’ve got a bag of plastic bags and boxes that I can’t throw out And I’m an adult now so nobody can tell me what to do. Please tell me what to do…

Found a genie bottle, she said I have one wish for you And asked me bout the things I wanna see or wanna do. I could be super wealthy or have magic powers too, But that genie, she just winked at me cause she already knew And now I’m licking Henry Cavill You think I’m joking but it’s real… I’m licking the man from UNCLE, and Sherlock Holmes & the man of Steel I’m licking Geralt of Rivia, & Charles Brandon from the Tudors, too I’m licking Henry Cavill, there’s nothing I would rather do… It’s true… I’m licking Henry Cavill with you. We’ll lick him like an ice cream, from the bottom to the top. Our mouths would be all cut up if he was a freezer pop Lick him like an envelope or 9 volt battery Lick him like my fingers after eating KFC Lick him like the pasta sauce that’s left upon my plate Lick him like a tootsie pop or like a candy cane Lick him like some peanut butter dipped on to a spoon Lick him like Miley Cyrus licked that sledgehammer, too… And now I’m licking Henry Cavill, it's all my fantasies made real… I’m licking the man from UNCLE, and Sherlock Holmes & the man of Steel I’m licking Geralt of Rivia, & Charles Brandon from the Tudors, too I’m licking Henry Cavill, there’s nothing I would rather do… It’s true… I’m licking Henry Cavill with you. Lick him like the filling of an Oreo cookie Lick him like my cat licks every part of their body… Lick him like a flag pole in the winter, so I’m stuck… Lick him like a psychedelic toad, don’t give a f*ck, just so I’m Licking Henry Cavill

I’m beating my head against a wall again, Hitting the gas while my wheels spin in circles, asking myself why, and I may have a history of pounding sand, pulling on my bootstraps and believing if I pull hard enough I’ll fly But this time’s gonna be different. This time’s gonna be wow This time’s gonna be different, somehow… I’m shooting at the moon again, chasing my own tail and then relaxing by pissing in the wind, and I’m herding cats and taking turns, fiddling While cities burn by windmills that I’ve tilted while they spin But this time’s gonna be different. This time’s gonna be wow This time’s gonna be different, somehow… But this time’s gonna be different. This time time I’m gonna wow Cause I’m wasting every breath I take, kissing snakes and Pushing all this water uphill with a rake But this time’s gonna be different. This time’s gonna be wow This time’s gonna be different, somehow…

Skyler’s got a best friend who knows everything about him They say when you’re a best friend you know everything about your friend who is the best I think I’ve got a best friend, My best friend works in Utah In a warehouse with computers that stores all of my phone calls and my search strings and the rest… And even though we’ve never met, they're the best friend I could get Cause the NSA knows everything about me, from my GPA to random stuff I’m shouting Yeah the NSA knows everything about me, so that must mean They’re my best friend… I guess if we are best friends… then we should prob’ly hang out… But since they’re far away and supposed to be a secret that doesn’t stand much chance… Somewhere at some computer… In a warehouse out in Utah… They’ll hear an invitation to a party that I’m throwing that’s only for best friends… I’ll light the candles, chill the beer, and let them know I’ll be right here… Cause the NSA knows everything about me, from the rent I pay to where I do my shopping Yeah the NSA knows everything about me, so that must mean They’re my best friend… But still my agent never showed It hurts so bad to know they know That I know they know That they just don’t wanna go… But the NSA know everything about me, from the games I play to I like origami Yeah the NSA knows everything about me, they’re my best friends… The NSA knows I eat too much sushi, when I answer my phone, I say mushi-mushi And that I bought a bidet just for my tushie, they’re my best friends The NSA know I have super powers and the NSA knows I drink whiskey sours And the NSA knows I like golden showers they’re my best friend… The NSA knows I watch too much TV, Binge Boy Meets World and cosplay Mr Feeny Yeah the NSA knows I wax for my bikini, they’re my best friend… They’re my best friends… (call me)

I don’t wanna buy you a drink and no, I don’t care what you think About politics, religion, or video games. I don’t even want know your name… I just wanna pet your cat. I don’t wanna waste your time with lame-ass played out pick up lines Or make believe I care whatever’s on your mind. I sure as hell don’t wanna know your sign. I just want pet your cat. I wanna give that kitty skritches, get its hair all over the place Snuggle up and cuddle, maybe let it lick my face And give it a treat. I just wanna pet your cat. No it’s not a metaphor, no weirdo red flag warning, I don’t wanna care about how we’ll feel in the morning. You don’t want my hang ups and I don’t need your baggage I just want to hear it purr and maybe give it snackage. And maybe... maybe a toy. I just wanna pet your cat. I wanna give that kitty skritches, get its hair all over the place Snuggle up and cuddle, maybe let it lick my face And give it a treat. I just wanna pet your cat. I don’t wanna buy you a drink and no, I don’t care what you think About politics, religion, or video games. I don’t even want know your name… I just wanna pet your cat.

Indiana is the Crossroads of America, on charts Wisconsin is our Dairyland, Kansas City is the Heart Our back bone is the Rockies, so strong and hard to pass, But just look behind Steve Rogers & you’ll see our nation’s Ass. That ass defeated Nazis, that ass outleapt Batroc That ass spent several decades frozen solid as a rock That ass took down the Rhino (who can lift a hundred tons) That ass beat Arnim Zola, and Baron Zemo, and his son. It infiltrated Hydra, took it down from the inside, And punched through Iron Man’s armor, that ass known far and wide. Beat Red Skull, and the Kingpin, and the Winter Soldier, too. That ass KOed a werewolf, there’s nothing it can’t do. The ass that dodges lasers, that fights in Zero G That ass that countered Quicksilver, with superhuman speed. Muscular and firm and just above America’s thighs, That ass is so damn worthy, it could lift Mjolnir high! So keep your mottos and your slogans, but I shall raise my glass, To the backside of Steve Rogers, who wields America’s ass! The backside of Steve Rogers, who wields America’s ass!

It’s the perfect gaming party, wizard, fighter, cleric, rogue, And a DM who’s prepared a mystic land that you will rove And have adventures, save the day and maybe find a treasure trove Anything could happen, but there’s something you should know Before you go… You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw But your game will go much better once you know… What you can’t save. You might delve into a dungeon, where nobody checks for traps Or randomly start licking every magic artifact Or pickpocket a beholder, find a dragon, make a pass, Or maybe tell the king who’s offering this quest to kiss your ass Don’t do that… You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw But your game will go much better once you know… What you can’t save. You can save vs illusion, dragon’s breath, or poison gas You can try to make a dex save just to not fall on your ass You can save against a magic spell, athletics or death, too, But there’s not a single fucking roll to save yourself from you. You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw But your game will go much better once you know… What you can’t save.

When you were four you wrote new combat rules for Candy land Huge lists of weapon, armors and Crit tables on which we would roll Each of the board games in our home all had house rules by thirteen Tax shelters in Monopoly Draw 20 wild cards in Uno And you some how wonder why…? Cause there’s always one more step that you can take One more rule that you can break One more level you can go And there’s always one more way to win the game One more way to shift the blame One more fit that you can throw Always one more thing to add on to… Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you. When you can frame someone in Clue When playing Risk you launch a nuke When playing Battleship your sonar lets you see the other board When you play Mousetrap, extra mice, When you play Yahtzee, bonus dice, When you play Chess, your king can make a pawn into a feudal lord And you somehow wonder why…? Cause there’s always one more step that you can take One more rule that you can break One more level you can go And there’s always one more way to win the game One more way to shift the blame One more fit that you can throw Always one more thing to add on to… Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you. In Chutes and Ladders, some chutes hold a spike trap underneath Your Game of Life has STDs Your Twister mat is always greased All of the house rules make the games take way too long to play They’re all driving me insane Why can’t we just play the base game? Cause there’s always one more step that you can take One more rule that you can break One more level you can go And there’s always one more way to win the game One more way to shift the blame One more fit that you can throw Always one more thing to add on to… Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you.

I’ve forgotten the sound of your ringtone, the feel of your hair in my face I’ve forgotten the the smell of your showers, the way that your kisses would taste I’ve forgotten the sound of your laughter, the feeling of your hand in mine I’ve forgotten your weird-smelling cooking, the taste of your Boone’s farm wine There’s so many things I shouldn’t forget, that should be burned in my mind, And I can’t figure out why… I’ve forgotten the sound of your snoring, the feel of your cold feet at night I’ve forgotten the smell of you gas that you blamed on the cat all the time. There’s so many things I just shouldn’t forget, that should be burned in my mind, And I can’t figure out why… But I still have your Netflix password, I still watch it all the time And a Reese’s cup you left in the freezer, and your last can of Diet Cheerwine I knew the moment that you took your dice bag you wouldn’t ever come back But I’ve still got your Netflix password, so at least there’s that. I’ve forgotten the sound of you eating, the feel of your crumbs in our bed, I’ve forgotten the smell of your lotion, and the way that it hurt my head. There’s so many things I shouldn’t forget, that should be burned in my mind, And I can’t figure out why… But I still have your Netflix password, I still watch it all the time And the pair of socks you left in the closet, and paperback you left behind, So now all 50 Grey Shades are mine cause you left and you ain’t coming back And I’ve still got your Netflix password— I still have your Netflix password, I still watch it all the time And the Reese’s cup you left in the freezer, & your last can of Diet Cheerwine I knew the moment that you took your dice bag you wouldn’t ever come back And I’ve still got your Netflix password, so at least there’s that.

Scrollin’ through the morning news Trying not to lose my shit and lash out at all the trolls who do be Trollin’. Block, unfriend or snooze? It’s so hard to choose the higher path but, what is there to lose? Then suddenly—the clouds all part and I can see, the answer there In front of me—Burning in bright neon lights, It feels so right, but Rollin’… back a sec, I think… That this might cause a stink When someone realizes that they’re no longer on my feed But suddenly—the clouds all part and I can see, the answer there In front of me—Burning bright in neon lights, I realize That I… just don’t care. I just won’t share All your misinformation, drama or your bullshit, I don’t care! Then suddenly—the clouds all part and I can see, the answer there In front of me—Burning bright in neon lights, I realize That I… just don’t care. I just won’t share All your misinformation, drama or your bullshit, I don’t care!

Type type type Delete delete delete Drink, scroll, sigh. Repeat. I read your hasty diatribe, I saw it was shortsighted and before I knew it, I’d Already started typing a well thought out reply Insightful and discerning and a total waste of time… Type type type Delete delete delete Drink, scroll, sigh. Repeat. I found another post or twelve, Intemperate and misguided, and misinformed as well. I stopped myself three paragraphs into my reply Cause you don’t care about the truth, you only want a fight. Type type type Delete delete delete Drink, scroll, sigh. Repeat. So sure you’ve got the high ground on every subject line That your hashtag philosophy is really quite divine And so to stop this cycle where I type but I don’t send, I click one single button that can solve it all—unfriend! Type type type Delete delete delete Drink, scroll, sigh. Repeat. Type type type Drink, scroll, sigh… Clicking on unfriend… Goodbye!

How do I find the strength to say goodbye after you have given everything? At an end, the tender moments we spent, the weight of memories we’re carrying… And I can feel the tears rolling down… Salty on your skin so close so warm so golden brown… You’re the last french fry in the bottom of the bag And if I die tonight then you’re the last french fry that I will ever have But now the moon is high, it’s time to say goodbye, just close my eyes and don’t look back On the last french fry in the bottom of the bag. There will be other sides that I will eat, there’ll be tater tots and onion rings. Someday I will have another bag of fries, but right now in my eyes you’re everything. And I can feel the tears rolling down… On your skin so golden brown… You’re the last french fry in the bottom of the bag And if I die tonight then you’re the last french fry that I will ever have But now the time is nigh, we've got to to say goodbye, just close my eyes and don’t look back On the last french fry in the bottom of the bag. And I can feel the tears rolling down… Salty on your skin so close so warm so golden brown… And I’m shaking so hard that I can barely choke you down It’s so hard to say goodbye… To the last french fry in the bottom of the bag And if I die tonight then you’re the last french fry that I will ever have But now the moon is high, it’s time to say goodbye, just close my eyes and don’t look back On the last french fry in the bottom of the... Last french fry in the bottom of the bag And if I die tonight then you’re the last french fry that I will ever have But now the time is nigh, we've got to to say goodbye, just close my eyes and don’t look back On the last french fry in the bottom of the bag. You're the last french fry in the bottom of the bag.