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Barbarian Jetpack

by Mikey Mason

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about

Thank you to my Kickstarter supporters, who include (but are not limited to): Chad Walker, Danny Hickling, Jeb, Ben 'the Rat' Burns, The Charlotte Geeks, Dr. Bob Arens, Myrddin Starfari, David and Jennifer Gray, Dave Catoe, Sean Smith, Kathleen Hurley, Chris Huddle, Derek Knutsen, Terry Dyer, Eric Stites, Skobo, Daniel Krenzke, Joshua John Marvin, Kione Farish, Chris R. (Bubby), Les Howard, Jennifer Leahy, Todd Grissom, Kevin and KT Hicks, Arthur Santos, Arlie and Tricia Land, David Moses (Merlin), and Tyler "Churcher" Denning who is definitely running traveller and who really does have a girlfriend in Canada.

credits

released 15 November 2012
Bass: Jason Tompkins and Mikey Mason
Lead Guitars: Scott Lindell, Sean Smith, and Mikey Mason
Everything Else: Mikey Mason

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Track Name: 8 Bit Love Song
Hey baby, do you wanna play Nintendo? Cause when I see you I remember my first time,
Watching Mario storm the castle, I wanna love you like it's 1989.

I'm waiting...Turn out the light... and sit here next to me...

Just pick a game, I'll be your second player. We'll rock out Contra, or take turns at Mega Man
I've got the gun if you like Hogan's Alley, or even Duck Hunt, but the dog will laugh 'cause

I'll be aiming... for your heart... gun pressed to the screen

And I just thought you should know, that you—you mean everything to me.
And I just thought you should know, that you—you're worth fighting for, you'll see.
And when I reach the end of this level I'll raise my flag and fire my fireworks
If you're in another castle, girl... Then there I'll go.

Remember when a world of 8 bit blockheads, seemed the pinnacle of game technology
I think it's best if we went back to basics, We'll play some Battletoads and tag team wrestling

I'm only... serious...Just press start, you'll see.

Bit by bit, screen by screen, we'll build a story line
Face the bosses, beat the game, a level at a time
until you're mine
Track Name: Earworm
I've got an itch, an itch I can't scratch, a spot on my brain that's out of reach.
I've got a worm inside of my head, an earworm I can't get out of me.

And you can help me kick this out, it's true.
But if you help me, it will come for you.

I wrote some songs, and you sang along, about all the things that make us squee,
I wrote some more down to sing them out loud, and that's how the earworm came to be...

I've done something I just can't undo...
And now the earworm wants inside of you

And what would you get if you were to take the earworm on?
You would forget what life was like before this song...

This song is a trick, a trick and a trap, a fumbling ploy to set me free,
If I can get earworm to live in your head, maybe he'll leave and let me be.

And it's too late, there's nothing you can do.
Now the earworm lives inside of you.

I thought I'd forget if I were to pass the earworm on.
But what did I get? Now we're both captives of this song.

And maybe you'll spread the earworm, too...
And maybe you'll spread the earworm, too...
Track Name: Goonies (Never Say Die)
It must be Thursday. I never got the hang of Thursdays cause there's
Just too many Mondays in my life.
It's been one long left turn for the last 300 miles
And it seems everything I need is on the right.

And I feel like giving up, but my mind keeps wandering back
To that night Brand talked his girlfriend down the well...

Cause me and One Eyed Willie have been talking this thing out
Pondering life's mysteries, what is it all about?
And when the world teams up against us,
We just look it in the eye.
Then rush in headfirst, screaming Hey You Guys!
Goonies Never Say Die.

I just feel jaded, defeated and frustrated.
Keep wishing somehow I could change my face.
I'm like a sheep inside wolf's clothing, I'm so filled with fear and loathing,
And I worry that I'll never find my place.

I'm held hostage by these hotels. I could go out but there's no telling
What waits for me out there, except I'm sure that it ain't you.

But me and One Eyed Willie have been talking this thing out
Pondering life's mysteries, what is it all about?
And when the world teams up against us,
We just look it in the eye.
Then rush in headfirst, screaming Hey You Guys!
Goonies Never Say Die.

Our lives take different courses, we get married, get divorces,
Our regrets and our remorses hold us down until we die.
So just keep moving forward, onward, up excelsior because
Persistence is the one resource we have that won't run dry...

And me and One Eyed Willie have been talking this thing out
Pondering life's mysteries, what is it all about?
And when the world teams up against us,
We just look it in the eye.
Then rush in headfirst, screaming Hey You Guys!
Goonies Never Say Die.
Track Name: Han Solo Cool
Another crappy shift at work, a thankless job that's only perk
is quitting time so I can get away from all these jerks and,
I see you walk by every day, past my window on your way
To somewhere better than this hell hole where I earn my pay but,

You don't notice me at all. I'm too afraid to take a fall.
If I were someone else I'd say hi, but I stall.

If I could just be cool like Han Solo, if I could misbehave like Captain Mal,
If I could just be half as smooth as Lando, I could get a grip on life somehow.
Life would simply rule, if I could be Han Solo cool.

My manager thinks that I'm nuts, I finally work up the guts,
To ask you out. I step outside, he follows me, we see you but, BUT
My parking meter's out of time, I left all of my change inside,
He's got a date, I've got a ticket by the time I've grabbed a dime.

This doesn't seem too fair at all, I'm hurt and sickened by his gall,
I'd quit my job and kick his ass if I had balls...

If I could just be cool like Han Solo, if I could misbehave like Captain Mal,
If I could just be half as smooth as Lando, I could get a grip on life somehow.
If I could kick some Alien ass like Ripley, if I could make you laugh like Dr. Who,
If I could follow treasure maps like Indy, they would always lead me back to you.
Life would simply rule, if I could be Han Solo cool.

If I were thawed from carbonite would you let me hold you tight?
If I were a scoundrel could I steal your heart and steal a kiss goodnight?
If I could just learn to shoot first instead of waiting for the worst,
I'd Kessel run for you blindfolded in reverse...

Punch it, Chewie!

If I could just be cool like Han Solo, if I could misbehave like Captain Mal,
If I could just be half as smooth as Lando, I could get a grip on life somehow.
If I could kick some Alien ass like Ripley, if I could make you laugh like Dr. Who,
If I could follow treasure maps like Indy, they would always lead me back to you.
Life would simply rule, if I could be Han Solo cool...

If I could be Han Solo...
You'd say, “I love you.” I'd say, “I know.”
Track Name: Someday
It was third grade, sometime on a Thursday
First time that you laughed at me, remember vividly
It was recess, playground by the swingsets,
Everyone was watching us, I remember cause

I'd just got glasses that day, and I was so scared,
You pointed and called me four-eyes
And made me cry.

It was sixth grade, evening of a Wednesday,
With your friends at the mall, I was walking down the hall,
Minding my own business, ignoring all your vicious
evil little dirty looks, reading my new comic books

I guess my happiness provoked you cause
You pushed me in the fountain ruining all my books.

Someday, I am gonna own your ass,
Someday, I will have the final laugh,
Someday I'll get payback for the things you put me through
Cause I remember everything and someday
You'll remember, too.

We were college roommates, I was on a first date
Brought her back to our place, thinking I could suck her face,
We were heavy petting, she wanted a cold drink,
I went in to get her one, I came back and she was gone,

Your door was closed, tie on the doorknob, too.
I watched Star Trek to the soundtrack of her doing you...

Someday you'll cry for me, bent in your misery,
I know it's evil and it probably sounds absurd,
But I'll be your boss, you see, I'll own the company,
Karma might be a bitch, but I'm a fucking nerd!
Track Name: Best Game Ever
It was the best game ever... The traps and riddles were so clever,
And hardly any of our party even died
Except for George, but he deserved it. He kept doing really dumb shit.
We split his magic items up, I swear to God he almost cried.

And when he came back in the game with his new gnome thief mage assassin
We stole all his gear again and sold him as a slave.

This was the best game ever! I took his set of +4 leather
Then we hopped aboard the plot train, let it take us for a ride,
But then George came back...And this time he was a druid
Who refused to leave the forest and always tried to start a fight.

And that's exactly what he did with a poor farmer on the outskirts
Of the town who turned out to be a god in disguise.

Best. Game. Ever. 'Cause George's druid's head got severed
And he came back in the game while we were going through this cave
To slay a dragon. This time he was a barbarian,
Who hated both our magic users, but had a magic sword of flame.
And when we reached the dragon's lair he argued tactics for an hour,
Til we fed him to the dragon and then killed it in three rounds.

BEST. GAME. EVER.

And as we wound down the adventure, back in town inside the tavern,
George was there as a half elf/half orcish monk illusionist.
And as we counted out our treasure he insisted on attempting
To seduce the barmaid, laughing as she cried and raised her fists.

Until he saw all of our weapons raised, and as he died he swore
That he would never game with us again as long as he lived.

BEST! GAME! EVER! Saved a barmaid, slayed a dragon,
Got the treasure, raised a flagon, And we racked up the XP.
And we will never have to deal with George's bullshit
In another game again, that is at least until next week.

Cause he is the GM's brother, and his mom won't let us game there
In her basement anymore, unless we say that he can play.
And I know you had to be there, but I swear to all that's holy,
Victory was never sweeter than it was today.

Best Game Ever...
Track Name: Steampunk Enough
He saw the custom goggles she had strapped above her ears,
He went out and bought a Nerf gun and slapped on a couple gears.
He walked up to tell her hi, she looked away and said goodbye.
He's not steampunk enough for her.

He bought a gothic vampire costume online,
Strapped some belts in random places, glowing contacts for his eyes.
She walked right past him to her friends, not even looking at him twice.
He's not steampunk enough for her

He's not steampunk enough for her.
She's got discerning tastes and no time for amateurs
No dilletantish effort or halfhearted poser work could be
Steampunk enough for her...

He went home and did some research on etsy.com
Cut a pair of leather bracers from a purse he stole from mom
Got vintage clothing from estate sales and he wore it with aplomb,
Still not steampunk enough for her.

He's not steampunk enough for her.
She's got discerning tastes and no time for amateurs
No dilletantish effort or halfhearted poser work could be
Steampunk enough for her...

There's just something 'bout a woman in a corset with a cane
And hydraulic shoulder armor that will drive a man insane.
From her leather boots and jodhpurs to her monocle and gloves,
he'll do anything to win her steampunk love...

He knew he'd been found lacking so he went back to the start.
Found a diabolic genius to replace his body parts
With cybernetic limbs and a chronometric heart.
Now he's steampunk enough for her.

Now He's steampunk enough her.
She's got discerning tastes and no time for amateurs
From his functioning jet pack to his retracting metal spurs, now he's
Steampunk enough for her...
Steampunk enough...
for her.
Track Name: Beer Powered Time Machine
I sit back And let the beer ease through me. I can feel it in my teeth
I’d fall down If I tried to reach the bedroom and I’m too damned drunk to sleep.

And so I get all sentimental like all good drunkards do
And I look back on my life and everything that I’ve been through

Cause the beer makes the past stronger, it makes the hurt last longer
And it reaches back through years
And though it makes the present cloudy, the past comes crystal clear.


Looking back farther, ever, than before.
Cars that I bought And the men that I’ve fought and the women I fought them for

They say learning don’t come easy, but ignorance ain’t free
There are prices in our lives that we pay but we can’t see

But the beer works like an x-ray cutting through your memories
Til you even see the bones. But no-one wants to hear about it
So I’ll just sit and drink my beer alone.

If I could turn back time, I would drink a lot less now.
Or at least that’s just the way it seems to be.
It’s just the meaning of life that wI've been looking for, somehow,
Right here in my Beer Powered Time Machine

And somehow I’ve lost my balance, but I’ll find it again
Cause a lifetime moves in cycles and I drink a kind of zen

Until I am the beer inside me, flowing through my veins until I somehow find myself
And all the memories that have made me are in there somewhere locked up on a shelf.

If I could turn back time, I would drink a lot less now.
Or at least that’s just the way it seems to be. It’s just the meaning of life
That I've been looking for, somehow, right here in my Beer Powered Time Machine
Track Name: ScoobyThulu
I'd had enough of rubber masks, and holograms, of flash bombs and machine-made fog.
I'd had enough of those meddling kids, and their stupid, talking dog.
I found tmy answer in the prison library, hidden in an ancient tome.
I found the words that would grant my vengeance, and rouse the old ones from their home...

It all began when their hippie van broke down in Massachusetts, in a sudden summer storm.
Near a quaint old town, there was shelter found in a haunted bed and breakfast, a place to dry off and get warm.

The stoner and his coward dog said, “We don't want to get involved!”
But the other three, in their deviant glee, “Said there's a mystery to be solved!”
And I knew they were mine!

I swore that I would crush you, that I would kill you... Scooby Doo!
I swore that I would break you, so now I turn to... Cthulu!

A secret passage found with no one around and suddenly Daphne's missing, to no one's real surprise.
She soon returned all bruised and burned from fierce tentacular groping... All up and down her thighs.
She said the passage led her dark and alone to a secret place near the millionaire's home,
But the second before the gang left to explore, they were joined by Davy Jones—Friggin' Monkee Davy Jones!

I swore that I would crush you, that I would kill you... Scooby Doo!
I swore that I would break you, so now I turn to... Cthulu!

Velma's glasses broke and while Davy Jones helped her crawl around to find them, a mirror suddenly turned to black.
Shaggy's glance is drawn through the mirror beyond to the void of Yog-Sothoth, and his sanity quickly cracked.
As Shag and Scoob tried to run away, brave Fred rushed in to save the day,
And when Daphne, possessed, moved to kill and molest him, Velma stabbed her in the chest
With a pitchfork no less!

I swore that I would crush you, that I would kill you... Scooby Doo!
I swore that I would break you, so now I turn to... Cthulu!

Long story short... Turns out the owners of he old hotel... Well... That was me, and I'd created this whole scenario to lure the Mystery Inc gang into my grasp.
And sure, they managed to stop the great Cthulu from leaving his slumbering depths under the waves. And I went back to prison, silently awaiting the return of my master to devour myunworthy soul.
And Shaggy was mostly okay—after some extensive counseling. Of course this only happened after Scooby lost a leg in one of their late night food orgies. Turns out Shaggy had a taste for dogmeat. They don't talk anymore.
Even Daphne made it out alive—though it looked like she was a goner. That cursed Davy Jones ran into a peculiar text while looking for Velma's glasses, damn his silky smooth voice and dreamy good looks.
The book showed her how to revive the dead by reducing them to their vital essences and reconstructing them through ritual magic. This involved Velma flaying Daphne while she was still barely alive and wearing her skin like a flesh mask. She's institutionalized now.
Davy used to visit her once in a while, but it got too depressing.
Fred is still plucking away at mysteries with Daphne, too oblivious to realize that no one was wearing a rubber mask, and stupid enough to believe the child in her womb is actually his.
That's an episode of Maury I can't wait for. Wait'll he sees the tentacles...

Muahahahahhahahahah!

I gave everything to break you, gave my soul to Cthulu...
I swore that I would crush you, that I would kill you... Scooby Doo!
Track Name: Please Bring Firefly Back (For Christmas)
The stockings are all hung and the fields are white with snow,
The trimmings on the presents and the tree.
The kids all snug in beds, dreams of swag all in their heads,
It's time to pop a beer and watch TV.

Christmas movies, Christmas shows, very special episodes
Filled with Santa spreading joy and giving gifts.
And that's when the sadness hits
Santa if you're hearing this...
There's just one thing that's on my list.

Please bring Firefly back for Christmas.
It's the time for Miracles I hear...
I'd be laughing Ho ho Ho
If I could watch new episodes
Of my favorite gorram series at my favorite time of year.

Santa reach inside your sack
Won't you give the sky back
To all the little Browncoat girls and boys?
FOX execs still have us pissed,
Put 'em on the naughty list,
Like Burgermeister Meisterburger, they took away our toys

All those Ebenezer Scrooges
And their Fox execu-stooges
Stole our show from us mid-season long ago.
So let's call back all the writers; what would make our season brighter
Than Simon kissing Kaylee underneath the mistletoe?

Please bring Firefly back for Christmas.
It's your chance to turn a wrong to right.
Santa show 'em you're the boss,
Give the green light back to Joss
And then follow him like Rudolph through the black on Christmas night!

Please bring Firefly back for Christmas.
I'll light a candle in my Blue Sun wreath...
Won't you take away my frown?
Trade your coat of red for brown.
Bring Firefly back this Christmas to me...

And bring Wash back, ba-rum-pa-pum pum...
Leaf on the wind...