1. |
Let's Fake Some Memories
05:24
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Another day of selling all my time,
Of showing up for someone else’s problems.
Another day where I can’t speak my mind,
Of wondering if this is hitting bottom?
The minutes and the seconds creeping by,
Shackled here by bills and mouths to feed.
And even though my day has gone awry
A five o’clock solution’s all I need.
That timeclock revolution comes and suddenly I’m free…
Let’s fake some memories. Let’s go somewhere that no one’s seen,
Where we’ll still have never been when we get home.
Let’s fake some memories, Step into a different scene,
Somewhere we could never get to all alone.
So close your eyes and don’t think twice
Just grab your books and grab your dice, Let’s fake some memories.
Sitting here surrounded by my friends,
Feeling part of something more than real.
Stepping into someone else’s skin
In tales of magic spells and flashing steel
Where legends come to life and where new worlds will be revealed…
Let’s fake some memories. Let’s go somewhere that no one’s seen,
Where we’ll still have never been when we get home.
Let’s fake some memories, Step into a different scene,
Somewhere we could never get to all alone.
So close your eyes and don’t think twice
Just grab your books and grab your dice, Let’s fake some memories.
Defying explanation, more than hype or exclamation,
It’s inspired collaboration through a game we love to play.
So much more than fighting dragons, all these worlds that we imagine
All these things that never happened feel as real as yesterday…
Let’s fake some memories.
Let’s fake some memories, Let’s go somewhere that no one’s seen
Where we’ll still have never been when we get home
Let’s fake some memories, Step into a different scene
Somewhere we could never get to all alone.
So close your eyes and don’t think twice
Just grab your books, let’s roll some dice, Let’s fake some memories.
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2. |
Save vs Stupid
02:57
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It’s the perfect gaming party, wizard, fighter, cleric, rogue,
And a DM who’s prepared a mystic land that you will rove
And have adventures, save the day and maybe find a treasure trove
Anything could happen, but there’s something you should know
Before you go…
You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck
You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck
There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw
But your game will go much better once you know…
What you can’t save.
You might delve into a dungeon, where nobody checks for traps
Or randomly start licking every magic artifact
Or pickpocket a beholder, find a dragon, make a pass,
Or maybe tell the king who’s offering this quest to kiss your ass
Don’t do that…
You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck
You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck
There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw
But your game will go much better once you know…
What you can’t save.
You can save vs illusion, dragon’s breath, or poison gas
You can try to make a dex save just to not fall on your ass
You can save against a magic spell, athletics or death, too,
But there’s not a single fucking roll to save yourself from you.
You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck
You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck
There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw
But your game will go much better once you know…
What you can’t save.
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3. |
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When you were four you wrote new combat rules for Candy land
Huge lists of weapon, armors and
Crit tables on which we would roll
Each of the board games in our home all had house rules by thirteen
Tax shelters in Monopoly
Draw 20 wild cards in Uno
And you some how wonder why…?
Cause there’s always one more step that you can take
One more rule that you can break
One more level you can go
And there’s always one more way to win the game
One more way to shift the blame
One more fit that you can throw
Always one more thing to add on to…
Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you.
When you can frame someone in Clue
When playing Risk you launch a nuke
When playing Battleship your sonar lets you see the other board
When you play Mousetrap, extra mice,
When you play Yahtzee, bonus dice,
When you play Chess, your king can make a pawn into a feudal lord
And you somehow wonder why…?
Cause there’s always one more step that you can take
One more rule that you can break
One more level you can go
And there’s always one more way to win the game
One more way to shift the blame
One more fit that you can throw
Always one more thing to add on to…
Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you.
In Chutes and Ladders, some chutes hold a spike trap underneath
Your Game of Life has STDs
Your Twister mat is always greased
All of the house rules make the games take way too long to play
They’re all driving me insane
Why can’t we just play the base game?
Cause there’s always one more step that you can take
One more rule that you can break
One more level you can go
And there’s always one more way to win the game
One more way to shift the blame
One more fit that you can throw
Always one more thing to add on to…
Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you.
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4. |
Skyrim Lullaby
02:32
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I'm waking up in Skyrim tonight...
My real life sucks but here in game, everything's all right.
I'm a thane in every city, and the Jarls and me, we're tight.
So I'm waking up in Skyrim tonight.
Today, my wife, she moved out on me,
I was climbing High Hrothgar, missed our anniversary.
It's a shame when you consider how in love we used to be,
Before our marriage took an arrow to the knee.
But in Skyrim all the quest lines wait until I follow through
And all the dragons, Jarls, and NPCs, await my click, it's true
I’ve got three Hearthfire houses, half a dozen housecarls, too
Carrying my burdens, all the treasure I accrue...
So...
I'm waking up in Skyrim tonight...
My real life sucks but here in game, everything's all right.
I'm a thane in every city, and the Jarls and me, we're tight.
So I'm waking up in Skyrim tonight
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5. |
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I sit down at the table, and we proceed to game
Roleplaying magic fables, in search of wealth and fame.
I feel a sudden dread as I pull out my dice…
I know that something’s not right…
I’m missing saving throws, these dice are trying to kill me
I fumble every roll, these dice are trying to kill me
Even a mediocre roll tonight would thrill me
But I swear right now, these dice are trying to kill me!
I break out in a flop sweat just before every roll…
I swear I heard them laughing when I attacked that troll.
Maybe they’re plotting in their dice bag every night…
But I know something’s just ain’t right…
I’m missing saving throws, these dice are trying to kill me
I fumble every roll, these dice are trying to kill me
Even a fair to middling roll tonight would thrill me
But I swear right now, these dice are trying to kill me!
I’m missing every roll, these dice are trying to kill me
I fumble saving throws, these dice are trying to kill me
Even a mediocre roll tonight would thrill me
But I swear right now, these dice are trying
Swear right now, I feel like crying,
Swear right now, these dice are trying to kill me!
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6. |
The Frog
03:12
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We got an elven ranger with an attitude
And a beast companion that he’s bonded to
He could’ve picked a goat, or a lizard or bat,
He could’ve picked a badger, baboon, or cat,
He didn’t pick a flying snake or even a blood hawk…
No he didn’t pick none of those—He went a bonded with a frog
It’s an inter-species friendship that’s tried and true
It won’t run from danger and believe me, you,
It’s an amphibian of a giant type
With an endless hunger ‘neath it’s soulless eyes
When faced with a fight, his croak’s worse than his bite, but don’t scoff
And don’t piss him off
Or else he’ll feed you to the frog
Just one command, and then you’ll see
One flash of the tongue and bon appetit
You’ll spend the rest of your life in a frog belly
It’s whole new realms of misery…
So just don’t piss him off, or else he’ll feed you to the frog.
Our ranger’s armed with a magic bow
He’s got a sword and a dagger and a ten foot pole
He’s trained in tracking and in archery,
But better hope you’re not his favored enemy,
Cause he’ll split the party just track you down in the fog,
And if you really go and piss him off,
He’s gonna feed you to the frog…
Just one command, and then you’ll see
One flash of the tongue and bon appetit
You’ll spend the rest of your life in a frog belly
It’s whole new realms of misery
Just ask our halfling rogue if you don’t believe
He’s now an amputee…
Because we fed him to the frog…
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7. |
Who Brought The Warlock?
03:32
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A dungeon crawl of dire proportions, fighting through the maps
Of the temple of the trickster goddess, riddles puzzles, traps
A locked door inset with a chalice filled with blood in side,
A hand outstretched, grabs it, drinks it, the door goes open wide…
Who brought the warlock? That creepy, skeezy guy?
Who brought the warlock? That gives me chills inside
Who brought the warlock? His black and evil eyes
Who brought the warlock? The one that never dies?
A battle rages, orcs and goblins, gnolls teem all around
The wizard fallen, the halfling bard is soon knocked tumbling down,
The cleric and the paladin prepare for one last stand,
Side by side with gruesome zombies, he’s summoning undead,
Who brought the warlock? That creepy, skeezy guy?
Who brought the warlock? That gives me chills inside
Who brought the warlock? His black and evil eyes
Who brought the warlock? The one that never dies?
Another demon that he summoned angrily flies past
Another trap he activated, another eldritch blast!
Who brought the warlock? That creepy, skeezy guy?
Who brought the warlock? That gives me chills inside
Who brought the warlock? His black and evil eyes
Who brought the warlock? The one that never dies?
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8. |
TableFlip
03:46
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9. |
Side Quests
02:49
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There’s a world that’s needing saved, Dangers needing braved,
By a hero that is equal to the task
There’s a story line revolving Round a hero whose evolving & a villain we’re all waiting to unmask
But this world is so intriguing, And the plot gets so fatiguing
And there’s so much in this world to see and do…
So forgive me while I wander, And explore the wild blue yonder,
And I’ll push your plot objectives to the far end of the queue
Because of side quests, world defining side quests, XP mining
Side quests entertain me and help level up my gear
Side quests, here and there are side quests, everywhere the
Side quests they distract me and the plot line disappears…
There’s a dragon needing slaying, but this farmer’s hen’s aren’t laying
And their neighbor seems to be behind the curse
And if I can just remove it, and if somehow I can prove it
Was their neighbor then the farmer will add coinage to my purse
Coins I can the use down at the blacksmith who refuses then
To sell a single sword until he has enough in stock…
But I can take this pick and in that cave that’s filled with brigands
Clear them out and use the pick to mine the ore out from the rocks
Because of side quests, world defining side quests, XP mining
Side quests entertain me and help level up my gear
Side quests, here and there are side quests, everywhere the
Side quests they distract me and the plot line disappears…
And in the real world the side quests still appear
On my way to get the groceries a friend stops by for a beer,
But I only have one beer and so we get into my car
And resolve the situation by us driving to the bar…
And we have a round or two until we’re joined by one more friend,
Then another, and another, til our party hits an end
when I get a text from my wife wondering well the hell I’m at…?
But my friends forgot their wallets so I spent the grocery cash
On all these side quests, wife annoying side quests, I’m enjoying
Side quests in the real world, just like I do in my games
Side quests, wallet bending side quests, marriage ending
Side quests they distract me and the plot goes down in flames.
Side quests they distract me and my life goes down in flames.
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10. |
Nothing But Time
03:05
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The house is awful quiet, now that you’re gone
Since you took the dog and moved out on your own
And sure, it hurts, but honestly I understand
And I got minis that need primed, and nothing but time on my hands
I got beer in the fridge, I got some food on the shelf
The TV is off and I’m here by myself
All alone, I’m hoping we still can be friends.
And I got minis to prime, and nothing but time on my hands
I got minis and terrain I’ve been meaning to be painting so long
& my heart might be breakin but I’m thinkin that as long as you’re gone
I’ll get some painting done.
Gotta keep my hands busy til I’m back on my feet
Got some friends coming over four or five nights a week
Got regular games, and money for figures and stands
And I got minis to prime, and nothing but time on my hands
I got minis and terrain I’ve been meaning to be painting so long
& my heart might be breakin but I’m thinkin that as long as you’re gone
I’ll get some painting done.
And I got minis to prime, and nothing but time on my hands
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11. |
Dice Bag Blues
04:22
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I got the levels & the stats, I got the hirelings & the maps
got the weapons & the armor too.
I got a ten foot pole in my portable hole
And new spellwrought tattoo
I should be having the time of my life, but I can’t seem to roll a crit all night.
I got the plot hooks & the potions charming all the NPCs
got a lantern that’s everbright
I got the blessings & the scrolls, plus four dagger vs trolls
And the flavor text just right…
I should be having the time of my life, but I can’t seem to roll a crit all night.
I got a table full of friends, & our party never ends,
Got the Cheetos & the Mountain Dew
We got our figures painted tight, gaming til the morning light
Got a belly full of pizza too
I should be having the time of my life, but I can’t seem to roll a crit all night.
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12. |
FASERIP
03:36
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Got no Feeble excuse for the things I used to do
When I was just a Poor, Typical Youth
All the Good times we shared, we’d play anywhere
These Excellent games somehow seem just the same
It’s Remarkable how long they remain
Incredible to me, it’s Amazing to see
My Fighting, Agility, the Strength I have that carries me
Endurance and the Health to be the hero I could be,
Reason so I can heed the Intuition guiding me,
To Karma that seems to be ingrained in my Psyche
Just FASERIP…
And I’ve been Monstrous at times, sang some Unearthly rhymes
And to play, we must’ve cut Class 1000 times
(But where did shift X go?)
My Fighting, Agility, the Strength I have that carries me
The Endurance and the Health to be the hero I sh ould be,
Reason so I can heed the Intuition guiding me,
To Karma that seems to be ingrained in my Psyche
Just FASERIP…
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13. |
Fallout Love
03:31
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It’s hard to let you go in the romantic glow of the mushroom cloud on the horizon, but
there’s things I must do & that means leaving you cause I work best without a companion
While I’m alone and damp in that cold raider camp
It’s them I’ll be killing, but I’ll be thinking of you
Cause there’s caps to be had and there’s junk to be mined
Weapons and armor that I need to find And when I reach the end of this quest line,
Done everything I need to do…
I’m coming back home to you.
There’s ghouls in Chinese submarines, a kid stuck in a fridge, an amusement park entirely run by gangs
There’s Illuminati synths at the Institute, and the treasures of Jamaica Plain
& maybe I can fly out on Old Ironsides If I can fix these engines with this old robot crew
Cause there’s caps to be had and there’s junk to be mined
Weapons and armor that I need to find And when I reach the end of this quest line,
Done everything I need to do…
I’m coming back home to you.
And I’d take you with me if you learned not to talk, and not rush into every single fight but
since I need to sneak like I have half a brain, I’ll just seek your lover’s embrace each night
Cause there’s caps to be had and there’s junk to be mined
Weapons and armor that I need to find And when I reach the end of this quest line,
Done everything I need to do…
I’m coming back home to you.
Cause there’s caps to be had and there’s junk to be mined
Weapons and armor that I need to find And when I reach the end of this quest line,
Done everything I need to do…
I’m coming back home to you.
I’m coming back home to you. Coming back home to you. I’m coming back home to you.
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14. |
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That's great, it starts with AARAKOCRA
But OSQUIP and PENANGGALANs
ASSASSIN BUG AND BERBALANG
EYE OF FEAR AND FLAME, KUO TOA, JERMLAINE
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
FLAIL SNAIL FIRE DRAKE
World serves its own needs
FIRE TOAD, FIRE SNAKE
Don't mis-serve your own needs
SHADOW DEMON -SHEET GHOUL GRELL, LIZARD KING
Speed it up a notch, speed, grunt, no, strength
AND ORIENTAL DRAGON
The ladder starts to clatter
WITHERSTENCH GIANT GAR BUG
With a fear of height, down, height
DIRE CORBY FIRE NEWT DEVIL CRYPT THING
Wire in a fire, re present the seven games
ACHAlERAl FORLARREN, FROST MAN FLUMPH FLIND
And a gov ernment for hire and a com bat site
NECRO PHID IUS PHANTOM STALKER
Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry
AND A NORKER BULLY WUG CLUBNEK
With the Furies breathing down your neck
TIR A PHEG HOUND OF ILLO MEN KAMA DAN
Team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped
LAVA CHILDREN TIGER FLY THEN
Look at that low plane, fine, then
YELLOW MUSK YELLOW MUSK CREEPER ZOMBl E DOOMBAT
Uh oh, overflow, population, common group
HELL CAT CATERWAUL COFFER CORPSE
But it'll do, save yourself, serve yourself
VORTEX WITHERWEED VODYANOI WHIPWEED
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
ELE MENTAL PRINCES OF EVIL DEATH KNIGHT (RIGHT)
Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right
GITHYANKI GlTHZERAl GORILLA BEAR JACULI
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light
KELPIE SON OF KYUSS
Feeling pretty psyched
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine
AL-MI’RAJ, GIANT STRIDER PER NI CON DUNE STALKER
Six o'clock, T.V. hour, don't get caught in foreign tower
TENT A MORT THOQUA TRILLOCH IRON COBRA
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn
ETTERCAP DENZELIAN BOOKA MEPHIT BONESNAPPER
Lock him in uniform, book burning, blood letting
EYE KILLER BLOOD HAWK ENVELOPER DEVIL DOG
Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate
MEZZODAEMON, NYCADAEMON DAKON DEATH DOG
Light a candle, light a motive, step down, step down
UM PLE BY SUSSURUS XILL, VOLT
Watch your heel crush, crush, uh oh
TROLL TWEEN HOOK HORROR - HOAR FOX- ICE LIZARD MEENLOCK
This means no fear, cavalier, renegade steering clear
SVIRFNEBLIN, A TERITHRAN, A GIBBERLING, A MITE
A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies
A GUARDIAN FAMILIAR AND A CARYATID COLUMNS AND POLTERGEIST
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I de cline
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (It’s time I rolled initiative)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (It’s time I rolled initiative)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (It’s time I rolled initiative)
I feel fine (I feel fine)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (It’s time I rolled initiative)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (It’s time I rolled initiative)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (It’s time I rolled initiative)
I feel fine (I feel fine)
APPARITION, HORNET GIANT, CARBUNCLE BLOOHAWK, GIANT
The other night I drifted nice continental drift divide
NEEDLEMAN, BAT GIANT, BUNYIP, BLINDHEIM
Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein
NILBOG, NONAFEL, DARK STAL KER SNYAD
Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
BABBLER THROAT LEECH STUN JELLY KENKU
Birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, boom
DRAGONFISH, DISENCHANTER SLAAD, XILL, SKULK, XVART? XVART.
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, Dright, right
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (AND THERES A PROTEIN POLYMORPH)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (QUAGGOTH QUIPPER, QULLAN)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (RETRIEVER - REVENANT - ROTHE)
I feel fine (I feel fine)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (It’s time I rolled initiative)
I feel fine (I feel fine)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (SCARECROW -SCREAMING DEVILKIN)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (TABAXI-MEAZEL - AND CRABMAN)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (SHOCKER - SKELETON WARRIOR - THORK)
I feel fine (OGRILLON)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (LAMIA NOBLE, ALGOID)
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it (GRIMLOCK, IMORPH, KILLMOULIS )
It's the FIEND FOLIO as we know it and I feel fine (SYMBIOTIC JELLY)
I feel fine (ELF)
I FEEL FINE
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Mikey Mason Indianapolis, Indiana
A nationally touring performer with hits like She Don’t Like Firefly, Best Game Ever, and Opposite of Cool, Mikey Mason is a ball of contagious enthusiasm who makes songs about role-playing games, video games, sci-fi, fantasy, cats, and the general experience of being a geek. He’s been heard on nerdist.com, SyFy, TheFuMP.com, and Dr. Demento, and is a truly must-see event each time he performs. ... more
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