I sold all my comic books to move out east for you.
I cancelled my WOW account and Steam subscription, too.
'Cause you hated hearing video game noise,
And you got me a real job and Ebay-ed my toys,
And my autographed pictures of Leonard Nimoy.
And then you said goodbye...

And my next girlfriend will be better than my ex-girlfriend.
She'll get all my jokes and read Penny Arcade.
She'll come to my bedroom all dressed for cosplay.
She'll want a three-way with Felicia Day.
My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend of all...

Remember how you used to call my action figures dolls?
And slept with my jock roommates? And our neighbors, down the hall?
And how you would never drink good beer with me.
And how you had laughed at my virginity.
You took my heart and my dignity,
And then you said goodbye...

And my next girlfriend will be better than my ex-girlfriend.
She'll collect Star Wars and like geeks more than jocks.
She'll drink good beer and like bourbon on rocks.
And her vagina will be mint in box.
My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend of all...

My next girlfriend will be better than my ex-girlfriend.
She'll get all my jokes and read Penny Arcade.
She'll come to my bedroom all dressed for cosplay.
She'll want a three-way with Erin Gray.
My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend...
She'll want a three-way with Virginia Hey.
My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend...
She'll want a three-way with Marisa Tomei,
She's the new Aunt May.
My next girlfriend will be the best girlfriend...
She'll want a three-way with Colin Firth or Marc Ruffalo,
They're dreamy but accessible,
And they seem kinda broken,
But I'm sure I could fix 'em
With the right amount of cuddling,
My next girlfriend might not be a girl at all...