Too Fat To Troop

from by Mikey Mason



“This one's for Jek...”

When I was a young boy, I only had one dream:
I wanted to carry a blaster rifle and wear white PVC.
But when the Empire came to Bestine IV, looking to recruit,
They took one look at me and cut me from the group.

They said, “Maybe you can fly real well and maybe you can shoot.
But take a look in the mirror, son. You're just too fat to troop!

Too fat too troop. You're just too fat to troop.
Maybe you can jam in Max Rebo's band or fly an interstellar sloop,
But you'll never fit in the armor son. You're just too fat, too fat to troop.”

So I became a free trader and the Empire, they returned,
and like a psycho padawan, the anger in me burned.
I was a champion pilot, known for my T-16,
And the rebels, they were happy to squeeze me into an X-Wing.

And the next thing you know, it's a run on the Death Star, “Red Six, standing by...
I've got a problem here.” “Eject!” “I can hold it.” “Pull up!” “No, I'm alright...”

Too fat to troop. I was just too fat to troop.
I'd still be around if I'd put the fork down, probably still be a virgin, too.
But I wouldn't have died a hero. I'm so glad that I was too fat to troop.

Too fat to troop. I was just too fat to troop.
Now I'm a legend of the Rogue Squadron, I've got my own action figure, too.
I might have died as Ewok fodder. Thank the Force I was too fat to troop.

I was just too fat to troop.

“You will be avenged...”


from Impotent Nerd Rage, released August 18, 2011


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