1. |
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It’s said the real miracle of Jesus was having 12 close friends in his thirties
My friendships now are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans
And I’m so tired all the time, and my back hurts all the time
And I just cleaned my whole house and now it all needs cleaned again
And I finally understand what my mom was so upset about
And I’ve got a laundry pile and this real nice box I can’t throw out
And I’m an adult now so nobody can tell me what to do.
Please tell me what to do…
I’m always rushing to get somewhere I don’t want to go in the first place
I used to sneak out to go party, I sneak out of parties now to go home
And I swear I haven’t changed, but now everything is strange
And the front one on the right’s my favorite burner on the stove
And I finally understand what my mom was so upset about
And I’ve got a bag of plastic bags and boxes that I can’t throw out
And I’m an adult now so nobody can tell me what to do.
Please tell me what to do…
I wanna be invited but I just don’t wanna go
My life is mostly paying bills & telling myself no
And deleting all these emails…
I’ve got 50 f***ing Tupperwares and not one matching lid
I’ve got at least a couple boxes full of random power cords
And I don’t wanna cook, and I can’t afford to eat out
Got a mushy veggie pile in my refrigerator drawer
And I finally understand what my mom was so upset about
And I’ve got a bag of plastic bags and boxes that I can’t throw out
And I’m an adult now so nobody can tell me what to do.
Please tell me what to do…
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2. |
Henry Cavill
04:36
|
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Found a genie bottle, she said I have one wish for you
And asked me bout the things I wanna see or wanna do.
I could be super wealthy or have magic powers too,
But that genie, she just winked at me cause she already knew
And now I’m licking Henry Cavill You think I’m joking but it’s real…
I’m licking the man from UNCLE, and Sherlock Holmes & the man of Steel
I’m licking Geralt of Rivia, & Charles Brandon from the Tudors, too
I’m licking Henry Cavill, there’s nothing I would rather do…
It’s true… I’m licking Henry Cavill with you.
We’ll lick him like an ice cream, from the bottom to the top.
Our mouths would be all cut up if he was a freezer pop
Lick him like an envelope or 9 volt battery
Lick him like my fingers after eating KFC
Lick him like the pasta sauce that’s left upon my plate
Lick him like a tootsie pop or like a candy cane
Lick him like some peanut butter dipped on to a spoon
Lick him like Miley Cyrus licked that sledgehammer, too…
And now I’m licking Henry Cavill, it's all my fantasies made real…
I’m licking the man from UNCLE, and Sherlock Holmes & the man of Steel
I’m licking Geralt of Rivia, & Charles Brandon from the Tudors, too
I’m licking Henry Cavill, there’s nothing I would rather do…
It’s true… I’m licking Henry Cavill with you.
Lick him like the filling of an Oreo cookie
Lick him like my cat licks every part of their body…
Lick him like a flag pole in the winter, so I’m stuck…
Lick him like a psychedelic toad, don’t give a f*ck, just so I’m
Licking Henry Cavill
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3. |
||||
I’m beating my head against a wall again, Hitting the gas while
my wheels spin in circles, asking myself why, and
I may have a history of pounding sand, pulling on my
bootstraps and believing if I pull hard enough I’ll fly
But this time’s gonna be different. This time’s gonna be wow
This time’s gonna be different, somehow…
I’m shooting at the moon again, chasing my
own tail and then relaxing by pissing in the wind, and
I’m herding cats and taking turns, fiddling
While cities burn by windmills that I’ve tilted while they spin
But this time’s gonna be different. This time’s gonna be wow
This time’s gonna be different, somehow…
But this time’s gonna be different. This time time I’m gonna wow
Cause I’m wasting every breath I take, kissing snakes and
Pushing all this water uphill with a rake
But this time’s gonna be different. This time’s gonna be wow
This time’s gonna be different, somehow…
|
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4. |
Best Friends
03:14
|
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Skyler’s got a best friend who knows everything about him
They say when you’re a best friend you know everything about your friend who is the best
I think I’ve got a best friend, My best friend works in Utah
In a warehouse with computers that stores all of my phone calls and my search strings and the rest…
And even though we’ve never met, they're the best friend I could get
Cause the NSA knows everything about me, from my GPA to random stuff I’m shouting
Yeah the NSA knows everything about me, so that must mean
They’re my best friend…
I guess if we are best friends… then we should prob’ly hang out…
But since they’re far away and supposed to be a secret that doesn’t stand much chance…
Somewhere at some computer… In a warehouse out in Utah…
They’ll hear an invitation to a party that I’m throwing that’s only for best friends…
I’ll light the candles, chill the beer, and let them know I’ll be right here…
Cause the NSA knows everything about me, from the rent I pay to where I do my shopping
Yeah the NSA knows everything about me, so that must mean
They’re my best friend…
But still my agent never showed
It hurts so bad to know they know
That I know they know
That they just don’t wanna go…
But the NSA know everything about me, from the games I play to I like origami
Yeah the NSA knows everything about me, they’re my best friends…
The NSA knows I eat too much sushi, when I answer my phone, I say mushi-mushi
And that I bought a bidet just for my tushie, they’re my best friends
The NSA know I have super powers and the NSA knows I drink whiskey sours
And the NSA knows I like golden showers they’re my best friend…
The NSA knows I watch too much TV, Binge Boy Meets World and cosplay Mr Feeny
Yeah the NSA knows I wax for my bikini, they’re my best friend…
They’re my best friends…
(call me)
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5. |
||||
I don’t wanna buy you a drink and no, I don’t care what you think
About politics, religion, or video games.
I don’t even want know your name…
I just wanna pet your cat.
I don’t wanna waste your time with lame-ass played out pick up lines
Or make believe I care whatever’s on your mind.
I sure as hell don’t wanna know your sign.
I just want pet your cat.
I wanna give that kitty skritches, get its hair all over the place
Snuggle up and cuddle, maybe let it lick my face
And give it a treat.
I just wanna pet your cat.
No it’s not a metaphor, no weirdo red flag warning,
I don’t wanna care about how we’ll feel in the morning.
You don’t want my hang ups and I don’t need your baggage
I just want to hear it purr and maybe give it snackage.
And maybe... maybe a toy.
I just wanna pet your cat.
I wanna give that kitty skritches, get its hair all over the place
Snuggle up and cuddle, maybe let it lick my face
And give it a treat.
I just wanna pet your cat.
I don’t wanna buy you a drink and no, I don’t care what you think
About politics, religion, or video games.
I don’t even want know your name…
I just wanna pet your cat.
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6. |
America's Ass
02:45
|
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Indiana is the Crossroads of America, on charts
Wisconsin is our Dairyland, Kansas City is the Heart
Our back bone is the Rockies, so strong and hard to pass,
But just look behind Steve Rogers & you’ll see our nation’s Ass.
That ass defeated Nazis, that ass outleapt Batroc
That ass spent several decades frozen solid as a rock
That ass took down the Rhino (who can lift a hundred tons)
That ass beat Arnim Zola, and Baron Zemo, and his son.
It infiltrated Hydra, took it down from the inside,
And punched through Iron Man’s armor, that ass known far and wide.
Beat Red Skull, and the Kingpin, and the Winter Soldier, too.
That ass KOed a werewolf, there’s nothing it can’t do.
The ass that dodges lasers, that fights in Zero G
That ass that countered Quicksilver, with superhuman speed.
Muscular and firm and just above America’s thighs,
That ass is so damn worthy, it could lift Mjolnir high!
So keep your mottos and your slogans, but I shall raise my glass,
To the backside of Steve Rogers, who wields America’s ass!
The backside of Steve Rogers, who wields America’s ass!
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7. |
Save vs Stupid
02:57
|
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It’s the perfect gaming party, wizard, fighter, cleric, rogue,
And a DM who’s prepared a mystic land that you will rove
And have adventures, save the day and maybe find a treasure trove
Anything could happen, but there’s something you should know
Before you go…
You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck
You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck
There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw
But your game will go much better once you know…
What you can’t save.
You might delve into a dungeon, where nobody checks for traps
Or randomly start licking every magic artifact
Or pickpocket a beholder, find a dragon, make a pass,
Or maybe tell the king who’s offering this quest to kiss your ass
Don’t do that…
You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck
You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck
There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw
But your game will go much better once you know…
What you can’t save.
You can save vs illusion, dragon’s breath, or poison gas
You can try to make a dex save just to not fall on your ass
You can save against a magic spell, athletics or death, too,
But there’s not a single fucking roll to save yourself from you.
You can’t save vs stupid, You can’t save vs suck
You can’t save vs asshat, or save vs what the fuck
There’s so many situations that give you a saving throw
But your game will go much better once you know…
What you can’t save.
|
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8. |
||||
When you were four you wrote new combat rules for Candy land
Huge lists of weapon, armors and
Crit tables on which we would roll
Each of the board games in our home all had house rules by thirteen
Tax shelters in Monopoly
Draw 20 wild cards in Uno
And you some how wonder why…?
Cause there’s always one more step that you can take
One more rule that you can break
One more level you can go
And there’s always one more way to win the game
One more way to shift the blame
One more fit that you can throw
Always one more thing to add on to…
Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you.
When you can frame someone in Clue
When playing Risk you launch a nuke
When playing Battleship your sonar lets you see the other board
When you play Mousetrap, extra mice,
When you play Yahtzee, bonus dice,
When you play Chess, your king can make a pawn into a feudal lord
And you somehow wonder why…?
Cause there’s always one more step that you can take
One more rule that you can break
One more level you can go
And there’s always one more way to win the game
One more way to shift the blame
One more fit that you can throw
Always one more thing to add on to…
Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you.
In Chutes and Ladders, some chutes hold a spike trap underneath
Your Game of Life has STDs
Your Twister mat is always greased
All of the house rules make the games take way too long to play
They’re all driving me insane
Why can’t we just play the base game?
Cause there’s always one more step that you can take
One more rule that you can break
One more level you can go
And there’s always one more way to win the game
One more way to shift the blame
One more fit that you can throw
Always one more thing to add on to…
Maybe that’s why no one wants to play with you.
|
||||
9. |
Still
04:34
|
|||
I’ve forgotten the sound of your ringtone, the feel of your hair in my face
I’ve forgotten the the smell of your showers, the way that your kisses would taste
I’ve forgotten the sound of your laughter, the feeling of your hand in mine
I’ve forgotten your weird-smelling cooking, the taste of your Boone’s farm wine
There’s so many things I shouldn’t forget, that should be burned in my mind,
And I can’t figure out why…
I’ve forgotten the sound of your snoring, the feel of your cold feet at night
I’ve forgotten the smell of you gas that you blamed on the cat all the time.
There’s so many things I just shouldn’t forget, that should be burned in my mind,
And I can’t figure out why…
But I still have your Netflix password, I still watch it all the time
And a Reese’s cup you left in the freezer, and your last can of Diet Cheerwine
I knew the moment that you took your dice bag you wouldn’t ever come back
But I’ve still got your Netflix password, so at least there’s that.
I’ve forgotten the sound of you eating, the feel of your crumbs in our bed,
I’ve forgotten the smell of your lotion, and the way that it hurt my head.
There’s so many things I shouldn’t forget, that should be burned in my mind,
And I can’t figure out why…
But I still have your Netflix password, I still watch it all the time
And the pair of socks you left in the closet, and paperback you left behind,
So now all 50 Grey Shades are mine cause you left and you ain’t coming back
And I’ve still got your Netflix password—
I still have your Netflix password, I still watch it all the time
And the Reese’s cup you left in the freezer, & your last can of Diet Cheerwine
I knew the moment that you took your dice bag you wouldn’t ever come back
And I’ve still got your Netflix password, so at least there’s that.
|
||||
10. |
I Don't Care
03:29
|
|||
Scrollin’ through the morning news
Trying not to lose my shit and lash out at all the trolls who do be
Trollin’. Block, unfriend or snooze?
It’s so hard to choose the higher path but, what is there to lose?
Then suddenly—the clouds all part and I can see, the answer there
In front of me—Burning in bright neon lights, It feels so right, but
Rollin’… back a sec, I think… That this might cause a stink
When someone realizes that they’re no longer on my feed
But suddenly—the clouds all part and I can see, the answer there
In front of me—Burning bright in neon lights, I realize
That I… just don’t care. I just won’t share
All your misinformation, drama or your bullshit, I don’t care!
Then suddenly—the clouds all part and I can see, the answer there
In front of me—Burning bright in neon lights, I realize
That I… just don’t care. I just won’t share
All your misinformation, drama or your bullshit, I don’t care!
|
||||
11. |
Repeat
02:15
|
|||
Type type type
Delete delete delete
Drink, scroll, sigh.
Repeat.
I read your hasty diatribe,
I saw it was shortsighted and before I knew it, I’d
Already started typing a well thought out reply
Insightful and discerning and a total waste of time…
Type type type
Delete delete delete
Drink, scroll, sigh.
Repeat.
I found another post or twelve,
Intemperate and misguided, and misinformed as well.
I stopped myself three paragraphs into my reply
Cause you don’t care about the truth, you only want a fight.
Type type type
Delete delete delete
Drink, scroll, sigh.
Repeat.
So sure you’ve got the high ground on every subject line
That your hashtag philosophy is really quite divine
And so to stop this cycle where I type but I don’t send,
I click one single button that can solve it all—unfriend!
Type type type
Delete delete delete
Drink, scroll, sigh.
Repeat.
Type type type
Drink, scroll, sigh…
Clicking on unfriend…
Goodbye!
|
||||
12. |
Say Goodbye
04:54
|
|||
How do I find the strength to say goodbye after you have given everything?
At an end, the tender moments we spent, the weight of memories we’re carrying…
And I can feel the tears rolling down…
Salty on your skin so close so warm so golden brown…
You’re the last french fry in the bottom of the bag
And if I die tonight then you’re the last french fry that I will ever have
But now the moon is high, it’s time to say goodbye, just close my eyes and don’t look back
On the last french fry in the bottom of the bag.
There will be other sides that I will eat, there’ll be tater tots and onion rings.
Someday I will have another bag of fries, but right now in my eyes you’re everything.
And I can feel the tears rolling down…
On your skin so golden brown…
You’re the last french fry in the bottom of the bag
And if I die tonight then you’re the last french fry that I will ever have
But now the time is nigh, we've got to to say goodbye, just close my eyes and don’t look back
On the last french fry in the bottom of the bag.
And I can feel the tears rolling down…
Salty on your skin so close so warm so golden brown…
And I’m shaking so hard that I can barely choke you down
It’s so hard to say goodbye…
To the last french fry in the bottom of the bag
And if I die tonight then you’re the last french fry that I will ever have
But now the moon is high, it’s time to say goodbye, just close my eyes and don’t look back
On the last french fry in the bottom of the...
Last french fry in the bottom of the bag
And if I die tonight then you’re the last french fry that I will ever have
But now the time is nigh, we've got to to say goodbye, just close my eyes and don’t look back
On the last french fry in the bottom of the bag.
You're the last french fry in the bottom of the bag.
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Mikey Mason Indianapolis, Indiana
A nationally touring performer with hits like She Don’t Like Firefly, Best Game Ever, and Opposite of Cool, Mikey Mason is a ball of contagious enthusiasm who makes songs about role-playing games, video games, sci-fi, fantasy, cats, and the general experience of being a geek. He’s been heard on nerdist.com, SyFy, TheFuMP.com, and Dr. Demento, and is a truly must-see event each time he performs. ... more
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